September 22 - 30, 2005
September 22
Miss Independent
Who are you and what have you done with my…..?
Do you see some people as better than you?
Do find them to be “untouchable”?
Why?
What makes them seem “untouchable”?
Does your inner dialogue tell you that you are not worthy?
What are you not worthy of?
On the other hand.
Is it wrong to have self pride?
If you see someone headed for a brick wall or floundering in a bad situation do you help them?
Does that make you better than the other?
Do you run the risk of that person thinking you’re better than them for giving them a hand?
Where do you draw the line with extending your hand and risking your stability?
______________________________________________
September 22 continued
101 Things about me
1.) I hate George Bush
2.) I'm rarely late
3.) I have 101 projects yet to finish
4.) when I was little I would play by myself for hours
5.) I ate magazines in pre-school
6.) I like sushi
7.) I like wine...wine wine wine
8.) I like to drink
9.) I drink once a week, usually
10.) I don't lie......much
11.) I like cheetos and cream cheese
12.) I'm suicidal
13.) I take medication to help me with that
14.) I love my cats
15.) and my dog
16.) I sing in my car
17.) I used to care about Liars
18.) I used to care about cheaters
19.) Now I just don't care
20.) I've been diagnosed with Post traumatic stress disorder
21.) and chronic depression
22.) I love the outdoors
23.) I will not go camping
24.) I used to enjoy my nightmares
25.) Until I started dreaming about my fathers death.
26.) I can't breathe or speak in my dreams
27.) I love to drive fast
28.) I used to work at a movie theatre
29.) I started drinking when I was 13
30.) I was very insecure growing up
31.) I had no direction for most of my life
32.) I don't have a direction still
33.) I have crazy ideas
34.) I follow through on most of them
35.) I want to play
36.) I hate working
37.) I love the freedom of being on stage naked
38.) I really like the money too
39.) I forgot what I was going to put here
40.) I want a pigmy potbellied dappled elephant
41.) I am a dog person
42.) I have a mole under my little toe
43.) I beat up boys on the school bus
44.) I enjoyed it immensely
45.) I'm a sadist
46.) I have 13 piercings
47.) 13 is my lucky number
48.) I am a Taurus
49.) I like snakes
50.) I don't like bugs
51.) spiders are not bugs
52.) they eat bugs
53.) I had a "pet" turtle when I was 10
54.) I fed him worms
55.) I am/was a tomboy
56.) I used to drive a race car
57.) I lied on 56
58.) I used to like yard work
59.) Until I started working full time
60.) I commute an hour to work
61.) In bumper to bumper traffic
62.) I love summer spring and fall
63.) I hate winter
64.) I like going barefoot in the summer
65.) I refuse to own a car with an automatic transmission
66.) I write here for two reasons
65.) My psychologist wanted me to journal
66.) I forget things quickly
67.) I am overly critical of myself
68.) I love the beach
69.) I like this number
70.) I don't have any children.
71.) I really miss my Dad
72.) I love the mountains
73.) I would love to live in a new farm house
74.) I hate smoking
75.) My favorite flower is the Black-eyed Susan
76.) My favorite color is Red
77.) I have anxiety attacks
78.) I get hives
79.) My family is split like pins at the end of a lane
80.) I love pretty feet
81.) Favorite beer: Michelob Light
82.) Favorite liquor: Tequila
83.) Vodka makes me mean when I drink it
84.) I am too analytical
85.) My real hair color is brown
86.) I was blonde for 7 years
87.) I really enjoy sex
88.) I am married
89.) I have never been arrested
90.) I got a ticket for drinking under age when I was 18
91.) I love policemen
92.) Ok I lied again
93.) I like them a little
94.) I love to read
95.) mostly fiction
96.) I love coffee
97.) Thank god for coffee
98.) I take it with cream and sugar
99.) I am in need of a cup right now
100.) My favorite day is Saturday
101.) I think sometimes I don't deserve my husband.
10:13 PM
____________________________________________________
September 26
Hella Good
It’s BIG MEETING WEEK. Suck.
Feeling worn out today from a very busy weekend.
FRIDAY: After work I stopped by the track for a while and said hi to everyone. We both went to bed early Friday night. Well that’s after Christian came and hung out for a while. Poor girl’s going through a lot and I wanted her to have some time to chill and talk if she needed too. God knows she’s been there for me.
SATURDAY: Loads of compliments on my hair and lots of questions from everyone about where I’ve been. This time I didn’t have M to forewarn them about my Dad so there where all kinds of questions. Luckily I got through most of them on Friday evening which left the rest of the weekend for normal fun at the track. I handed out candy and greeted all the visitors and staff. It’s funny being called “the candy girl”. Steph and Nikki where our guest trophy girls and they had great time.
Saturday night a whole bunch of NASA people went to Vixens and there was all kinds of drunken mayhem.
SUNDAY: We had a great time on Saturday night and Sunday morning was a subdued one. Well as much as it can be at a loud race track. I worked half of Sunday and went home and slept the rest of the day away. NASA weekends tend to wear me out. I always forget about that. I’m sore from pushing cars onto the scales and walking around but otherwise it was good to be back. The dude that sells tires wants me to come and work with him next weekend at Summit. I told him I would…. And I’m seriously thinking about it as I need new tires anyway. He wants me to be there at 7:30 (hahaha) Hope he doesn’t mind if I’m late.
Today is going ok for a Monday. I feel like I’ve got a UTI brewing and I’m not happy about that. This week is not going to be fun as it is BIG MEETING WEEK and total chaos has begun.
And I cannot forget to mention that my husband really helped this weekend by doing laundry and straightening up the house. What a huge help!
1:46 PM –
________________________________________________________
September 27
Where the Streets Have No Names
What’s on my mind.
How to begin.
I sit on my couch almost every evening and stare at the box with my Dad’s stuff in it. I haven’t moved it from its original resting place after I retrieved it from the front porch a few weeks ago. And a few things go through my head. I think of my father yes, but you know who I think of most? My step mother.
I really want to give her the benefit of the doubt for her behavior during the time my Dad was in the hospital. But why, why would she be giving me the cold shoulder? My Dad and I loved this woman so much and now she just turns her back on both of us. I don’t want this to be true, I didn’t want it to be true when she was acting the way she was when my Dad was on his death bed.
I wanted her to live with me when she couldn’t take care of herself anymore. I considered her to be my mother. I loved her and loved spending time with her. I made sure to spend a whole day with her for Mother’s Day, doing whatever she wanted and looked forward to doing it every year. If she needed help, I was there. Her children turned their back on her and I was there for her. I loved her and respected her, and I thought I knew her.
So now, the woman that I thought I knew, the woman that I loved as a mother and had walk me down the isle at my wedding is not who I thought she was. Did she ever love me? Did she just put up with me for my father’s sake? Am I really that bad of a person? Why is she so quickly dismantling the house? If I think back about certain things that occurred in the past do they add up or is it my imagination?
I emailed her on the Monday after she dropped off the box:
Hi! I wanted to tell you thank you sooo much for the box that you dropped off on Sunday. It is very nice to have some of Dad’s things around me. I miss him so much and it’s comforting. I hope you are doing ok and please let me know if you need anything.
Love,
Candy and M
I didn’t get a response. Nothing. I just sent it again today with a note that said I wanted to make sure she got this. Honestly, I’m worried about her response.
Yeah, I’ve got issues with Motherly figures. My real Mother is a nutcase. I actually cannot talk to her. She’s one of those people that just doesn’t make any sense and she wants to bring you in on the conflict. If it hadn’t been for my brother in London she would be a bag lady. She doesn’t care to work, and she will mooch off of anyone that she can. Some psychologists would call her toxic. You know those who suck the life right out from you? Yeah, that’s her.
So why am I even worried about my Step Mother? Well because, I honestly thought that we had something. I thought it was unbreakable. And now, along with loosing my father, I’ve lost my mother as well. You know that invisible rope that connects you to your parents? The one that you tug on when you need to know they are there? Well, mine's floating out there with nothing attached. A fetus with the umbilical cored severed. So now, I’m learning to swim, without the lifeline.
On another note, I’ve discovered that there are certain people who understand the loosing of a parent and there are certain people who don’t. The one’s who do understand are ones who have lost a parent themselves. Now, in this new experience that I am going through, I just want to share with those who have not lost a parent and maybe it will help you in the future.
The people who have lost parents always say “yeah it hurts and you know it’s been __ years since I’ve lost my parent and I still think about them every day and I still miss them like it was yesterday” “You’re grief will subside a little but it will always hurt”
The people who haven’t lost parents say “It’s time for you to move on with life, your parent wouldn’t want you to be like this, they would want to see you go on.”
I really want those people to stop telling me to hurry up and get over it. I was closer to my father than anyone else on this earth. Yes, even M and he is fine with that. My Father was my identity and my soul. It seems to me that people are rushing me along so they can have their old Candy back. I really think that is selfish. He was the reason why I was so happy. It will take time and it will take as much time as I need it to. And no one can rush me into healing any faster. I am not recluse and I am trying to get out and live, but damn it why the rush? My Father would want me to take as much time as I need, he understands how soft I am inside as he was the same way. Even in the last weeks he was in the hospital he would reflect on his father’s death with a heavy heart.
Now, before ya’ll get your panties into a bunch and tell me how much of a bitch I am and tell me that I “need” to blah blah blah…. I want you to know this, so in the future, you will be able to say the right things to a person who has lost a parent.
Oh, and thanks for hangin' in there and supporting me through my deepest darkest moments. Anger, Grief, Loneliness, Reclusive-ness, Questions among other things are all part of the mourning process. It’s not over, but I feel like I can actually heave myself over the edge of the hole and grasp onto a branch. I’m so sad that I’ve left some casualties in the wake of my disaster. These times are true tests of friendships. And those who are willing to turn their backs on me while I’m down, really weren’t good friends anyway. But, I suppose that we all make mistakes and things will work out in the end. Also, Thanks for all of ya’lls help and ideas in my "scheme". Finding places to hide the evidence and giving me escape plans and advice on how to prolong the process. Thanks for willing to be there when I call with the “Eagle has Landed” code. You never know when the scheme could come to fruition. It could be months to years if at all….. Now all I have to do is get my scuba trainers certificate…..and do you really think the Scarab will work?
I have to say that M has been incredible, supportive and loving. He’s managed to be my rock and then my partner in my grief. He loved my Dad very much and I know he feels just as terrible as I do. I haven’t yet talked to him about my Step-mother thoughts this week. I wanted to write and think a little more before I bring it to him.
I really didn’t think that when our relationship started that I could love him any more than I did. Unbelievably, our love has grown throughout the years. Going through this with him has really opened my eyes to what kind of person he really is and he really is an incredible human being. Not only does he have my heart but he has my respect too. He is beautiful inside.
That’s all I’ve got to say for now, thanks for listening……err…. reading. Peace.
1:45 PM –
__________________________________________________________
September 28
Parabola
No response.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment,
We are choosing to be here right now. hold on, stay inside...
This holy reality, this holy experience. choosing to be here in...
This body. this body holding me. be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal all this pain is an illusion.
Alive
This holy reality, in this holy experience. choosing to be here in...
This body. this body holding me. be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal all this pain is an illusion...
Of what it means to be alive
Swirling round with this familiar parable.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this
Chance to be alive and breathing
Chance to be alive and breathing.
This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. remember. we are eternal.
All this pain is an illusion.
~TOOL
3:55 PM –
___________________________________________________
September 30
F You I Won't Do What You Tell Me!
Yippeee! It’s Friday! Double Margarita Friday! Yeah so what, I had a margarita last night, but that doesn’t count.
I rode into work with M this morning. I’m working the 7 to 4 shift. Mornings really suck. Really really suck! And tomorrow morning well, it’s going to suck worse! Because I’m going to be outside at 7:30 in the morning selling tires! Yeah! Why am I excited? I dunno, but there’s a good possibility that if I have to be up at that time on a Saturday morning, I will still be inebriated from the night before. That’s ok because it’ll make life a bit more bearable for sure!
As of now I’ve had at least 6 cups of coffee and I’m feeling pretty damn wired. ZZZZZZZZINNNNGGGG!
I can’t believe it’s almost October. October brings a few things. Back to dancing, Hot air balloon and wine festival, carving pumpkins, Halloween & cold weather!
I think I’ll be able to handle dancing better since it’ll be cold out and I won’t have to do anything else.
The Balloon and Wine Festival is always a blast and we look forward to going every year. Only thing that sucks is that it falls on the same weekend as racing. That’s a very hard choice to make. I’ve always said that racing comes first but damn…. I’m not so sure. I’m trying to figure out how I can spend the day at the wine fest and the evening on trophy duty. It’ll all work out I’m sure.
Christian is my pumpkin carving victim for this year. I always make someone carve pumpkins with me. They usually don’t want to and think it’s stupid. But I like it and I think its fun. And you know what??? Christian has a tradition of carving pumpkins every year too! She wants to go punkin huntin! She always goes to a pumpkin patch to get hers. Isn’t that cool? I’ve never done that before. I always go to the local farmers market and pick mine and my victims out from a big pile o’ punkins. Pretty exciting!
Halloween is on a Monday this year and that sucks but that means that we get to celebrate all weekend long. I don’t know how that will work if I’m back to dancing by then. I feel like I will be back by then.
The cold has already started. 40’s in the mornings really sucks. My friend Mary is from Florida and she’s freezing her boobies off! But she was excited about the seasons and snow and stuff that I take for granted. Yay for her. She’ll hate winter after this one. By February she’ll be packing up her stuff and heading down south.
Well, let’s hope today goes fast and the weekend goes slow. Have a great day.
10:00 AM –
