June 2006 MSN Archive
June 01
Exit - stage right
I’m feeling excited, sad, relieved, stressed and bewildered.
I worked Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights and I’m tired. I think the whole tri-state area packed up and went on vacation because we weren’t busy at all this weekend. I wanted it to busy so I could make a lot of money. I did not make a lot of money but since I had already told Casey on Friday evening that Sunday would be my last day, I could not renege on that statement. I told him that I got a promotion at work and I would be working a lot more including Saturday’s. He congratulated me and told me I was welcome back any time. He also quoted my words from when I first started. Like you said “this is not my career nor do I have a future in this business, it’s for money and fun”. I really like that he quoted me.
Saying goodbye to everyone this weekend was hard. I have made a lot of good acquaintances. It was really good to be able to talk to women who where not intimidated by me. Even though I didn’t talk much, I really enjoyed the camaraderie.
I started this entry on Tuesday but I haven’t had a chance to finish it until Thursday. I am looking forward to the weekend. I have a billion things to do around the house and I am coming up with a list so I won’t get off track. On Tuesday, I walked into work a different woman. Like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders but also like a crutch had been kicked out from under me. I really loved that job - it was euphoric. But I know that I had to stop because it would end up ruining my life. Living or Dancing on the edge isn’t worth the repercussions. I have a GREAT marriage and a good job. I also don’t like feeling addicted to anything besides coffee. Feeling like I need it, want it, got to have it no matter the cost is not a good thing. Why is it that addictions are never good for you? Why can’t I be addicted to … I don’t know… Carrots? I feel like I shouldn’t even go back for a visit. I will convince myself that I could go back for just one weekend. And then it will be two and so on.
I really do want to go back but what if my real job finds out? Would I get fired? Demoted? What if my husband is bottling up his feelings of me working there? And one day he just snaps? He doesn’t really like me going to the track, how can he handle me dancing naked in front of his friends? Speaking of the track, the organization that I work for really doesn’t like that I do it either. They have asked me not to bring it up but everyone knows and the last time I went I was treated a bit differently. Also, Dancing takes away from my time at the track. And that is one thing that I truly enjoy. When race weekend came I would spend all weekend there. I would look forward to it for the whole month. And the last time, I spent 3 hours there, just long enough to hand out trophies and leave to go to work.
So that’s my rambling. I’m trying to remind myself of all the bad things that go with Dancing so I don’t go back.
Here in reality
The temperature has risen dramatically! And now those really cool high performance winter tires that I bought are getting dangerous! The are very soft tires so when it is cold they stick perfectly to ice. Now that the temps have been in the 90s they are melting. Not literally, but they do not grip like they should and they cannot handle turns. They roll onto their sides. So I decided to buy new wheels and tires for the summer. I wanted to get new wheels so I wouldn’t have to worry about changing the tires on the same rim every season, I would just be able to switch wheels. I found a set bigger than the OEM and they are really cool looking and a whole lot more $$ than I wanted to spend. I then found a great set of all weather Michelin’s that where more than I wanted to spend but they are really nice too. I truly believe that you can’t spend too much money on tires. They are very important, especially the way I drive.
Foxy is adorable! I will take pictures of her this weekend. She’s growing…. Longer. Haha! We are having trouble house training her. She just doesn’t get that she has to go outside. Does anyone have any suggestions? We didn’t want to use the “rub the nose in it” technique because she definitely holds grudges so that just doesn’t seem very effective.
That’s all I have to bore you with today. Enjoy your day!
Candy
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June 06
It’s not the end of the world.
So I caught hubby smoking on Saturday night. He knows I don’t like it. He knows that I would never have considered dating him if he had been smoking then. He knows that it is really bad for you. To say the least I was pissed. I watched my father die from the effects of smoking. When I asked him about it a few months ago, because he smelled like smoke, he lied to me about it.
I can’t decide if I’m more pissed at his disregard for his health or the fact that he lied to me.
I’ve always told him not to expect me to be around to carry his oxygen bottle when he gets sick. He hid the smoking from me before and after we started dating. He got caught then too. I was more pissed at him for lying to me than for the act itself. Now it hits closer to home because of my Dad. So back then I let it go and dealt with it. He respected my disgust for the habit and washed his hands and face before he came near me and later he became lazy and forgot to do those things. He went on Welbutrrin for depression and within a year quit smoking too.
This past winter we decided it was time for him to get off of the Welbutrin as it was affecting his “drive”. When I caught him on Saturday night, I asked him how long he had been smoking. He told me that he’s been smoking off and on since he got off the meds. Well the “drive” isn’t any better so he may as well get back on the meds.
I think the worst thing is that I got the wind knocked out of me when I found out he had lied. I totally expect him to tell me the truth. I have come from a life where you expect everyone to lie and he had me thinking differently. Now, I am having a hard time believing anything he says. I think… well what else has he lied to me about?
I’m trying not to blow this out of proportion. And these are the raw feelings I’m laying out.
I’m just truly hurt right now.
3:52 PM
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June 07
Vertical Straight
Just like me to get absorbed into something new. I can’t lead a normal, quiet life. NASA is hosting its 4th annual Hyper-fest this year. It’s in my July 2005 entry if you’re interested what happened last year. And you can check out http://www.hyper-fest.com/ for more details about the event.
It is usually my duty to find girls to be Spokes-Models for the event. Last year we incorporated the Umbrella girls on the starting grid which was a huge success. And in past events it’s been really hard to come up with girls. But this year…. Well… H-fest is getting popular and I’m finding that I have a plethora of actual models that want to do the job. Te-he!!! So it is my job to sort through the selection and find the ones for the job! I’m kinda (really) happy about this. This is fun, I wonder how I could make a career out of this?
Christian left for college on Monday. She’s now off on her own adventure. I’ll miss her bunches but I refuse to feel like all is lost. I am so proud of her for getting herself into the college she always wanted to go to. What strength!
10:00 AM
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June 08
Chicken out and leave or stay and fight?
Tired of the ridiculous way MSN Spaces is run? Me too! Let’s stop whining and do something about it! We each have different problems with MSNSpaces. I’ve tried to use the customer service but I am only told that they are working on the problem. So it’s either a mass exodus to another blog spot or we band together and let MSN know we are tired of the problems.
Address your complaints to Microsoft CEO - Steve Berkowitz. There was no email contact information for any of the people who could actually do something about the situation so we will have to do this the old school way. I will be sending my complaint letter by snail mail because I refuse to dial the 800 number and be transferred to India. If you would like; copy and paste this on your site so we can actually start a movement and get something accomplished!
Corporate Headquarters
AddressPlease include the recipient's first and last name, or the department name.Microsoft CorporationOne Microsoft WayRedmond, WA 98052-6399
FaxPlease include the recipient's first and last name.(425) 93-MSFAX (936-7329)
Telephone(800) MICROSOFT (642-7676)
http://blog.searchenginewatch.com/blog/060422-045733
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June 10
101 things about me updated
1.) I hate George Bush
2.) I'm rarely late
3.) I have 101 projects yet to finish
4.) when I was little I would play by myself for hours
5.) I ate magazines in pre-school
6.) I like sushi
7.) I like wine
8.) I like to drink
9.) I drink once a week, usually
10.) I don't lie......much
11.) I like cheetos and cream cheese
12.) I'm suicidal
13.) I take medication to help me with that
14.) I love my cats
15.) and my dogs
16.) I sing in my car
17.) I like to drag race at stop lights
18.) Even if the car next to me doesn't know it.
19.) I can't imagine life without the internet.
20.) I've been diagnosed with Post traumatic stress disorder
21.) and chronic depression
22.) I love the outdoors
23.) I will not go camping
24.) I have a hard time concentrating on one thing for extended periods of time.
25.) My eyes are hazel
26.) I have a nervous habit of playing with my earrings.
27.) I love to drive fast
28.) I worked at a movie theatre
29.) I started drinking when I was 13
30.) I was very insecure growing up
31.) I had no direction for most of my life
32.) I don't have a direction still
33.) I have crazy ideas
34.) I follow through on most of them
35.) I want to play
36.) I hate working
37.) I love the freedom of being on stage naked
38.) I really like the money too
39.) I've come to the realization that I'm addicted to Stripping.
40.) I want a pigmy potbellied dappled elephant
41.) I know there is so such thing.
42.) I have a mole under my little toe
43.) I beat up boys on the school bus
44.) I enjoyed it immensely
45.) I'm a sadist
46.) I have 13 piercings
47.) 13 is my lucky number
48.) I am a Taurus
49.) I like snakes
50.) I don't like bugs
51.) spiders are not bugs
52.) they eat bugs
53.) I had a "pet" turtle when I was 10
54.) I fed him worms
55.) I am/was a tomboy
56.) I drove a race car
57.) I lied on 56
58.) At one time I liked doing yard work
59.) Until I started working full time
60.) I commute an hour to work
61.) In bumper to bumper traffic
62.) I love summer spring and fall
63.) I hate winter
64.) I like going barefoot in the summer
65.) I refuse to own a car with an automatic transmission
66.) I write here for two reasons
65.) My psychologist wanted me to journal
66.) I forget things quickly
67.) I am overly critical of myself
68.) I love the beach
69.) I like this number
70.) I don't have any children.
71.) I really miss my Dad
72.) I love the mountains
73.) I would love to live in a new farm house
74.) I hate smoking
75.) My favorite flower is the Black-eyed Susan
76.) My favorite color is Pink
77.) I have anxiety attacks
78.) I get hives
79.) My family is split like pins at the end of a lane
80.) I love pretty feet
81.) Favorite beer: Michelob Light
82.) Favorite liquor: Tequila
83.) Vodka makes me mean when I drink it
84.) I am too analytical
85.) It will drive me crazy if I let it.
86.) I was blonde for 7 years
87.) I really enjoy sex
88.) I am married
89.) I have never been arrested
90.) I got a ticket for drinking under age when I was 18
91.) My real hair color is brown
92.) When I was young I thought I had to get a sunburn in order to get a tan
93.) Now I worry about melanoma
94.) I love to read
95.) mostly fiction
96.) I love coffee with cream and sugar
97.) I cannot function without it.
98.) My favorite day is Saturday
99.) I love to sleep!
100.) sleep, sleep, sleep
101.) I think sometimes I don't deserve my husband.
10:58 AM
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June 16
moving again
sick of spaces.
yeah I know I wanted to make a stand.
but I'm too lazy, or to busy to give a shit.
I'm leaving you Spaces!
I'm setting up new digs now.
I'll let you know where I go once I've moved in.
Candy
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June 18
Father's Day
This is the first Father's Day without him.
I have for the past 10 years made Father's Day a top priority of holidays to celebrate. For above all else, he is my Father. More than celebrating his birthday of which he tried to ignore. He would say it was just another number, although he did have a goal of living until 105 years of age. More than celebrating all other religious holidays or government holidays. Father’s Day was all about who he was. My Father.
As the years wore on it was harder to find things to do with him on this day. Baseball games and outdoor activities where out of the question as he couldn’t stand the heat or any excitement or walking any distance. We never did make it to a baseball game. It usually ended up with me coming over to his house and cooking dinner for him and Liz. Last year was a great one, I invited the whole family and we all showed up and did a huge cookout. He was so overwhelmed. It was another one of those secret surprises that we did. I don’t even have to look back in this blog to tell you what transpired. I asked him what he wanted to do for Father’s Day and he replied. “Let’s have a surprise cookout.” Dad and I always planned our surprises. Now that I have a different perspective, maybe Dad wanted that surprise because Liz wouldn’t have a chance to say no to the family coming over. Sad huh? Dad thanked me for that day when he was in the hospital the last weeks before he died. He told me it was the best day of his life. I remember him sitting quietly watching all of us. It was a flurry of activity. I wonder what was going through his mind. I wonder if he could even imagine it would be his last one on earth.
Dear Dad,
I love you and I miss you terribly. I would give anything to be able to talk to you again. There are so many times that I wanted to pick up the phone or write an email to tell you about things.
I have so many good memories coming through now. They come more often than the bad ones do.
I’m trying to be strong like you would want me to. Days like these are hard, but I know that tomorrow will bring on another day, and another. And they say that time heals all wounds. But time won’t bring you back to me. They try to make me believe that you are still with me. But I can’t feel you there. I feel and empty hole in my soul where your life once was. And that is a very big hole. I’m trying to pack it full of good memories. And that is all I can do for now.
I love you,
Candy
11:09 AM
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Exit - stage right
I’m feeling excited, sad, relieved, stressed and bewildered.
I worked Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights and I’m tired. I think the whole tri-state area packed up and went on vacation because we weren’t busy at all this weekend. I wanted it to busy so I could make a lot of money. I did not make a lot of money but since I had already told Casey on Friday evening that Sunday would be my last day, I could not renege on that statement. I told him that I got a promotion at work and I would be working a lot more including Saturday’s. He congratulated me and told me I was welcome back any time. He also quoted my words from when I first started. Like you said “this is not my career nor do I have a future in this business, it’s for money and fun”. I really like that he quoted me.
Saying goodbye to everyone this weekend was hard. I have made a lot of good acquaintances. It was really good to be able to talk to women who where not intimidated by me. Even though I didn’t talk much, I really enjoyed the camaraderie.
I started this entry on Tuesday but I haven’t had a chance to finish it until Thursday. I am looking forward to the weekend. I have a billion things to do around the house and I am coming up with a list so I won’t get off track. On Tuesday, I walked into work a different woman. Like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders but also like a crutch had been kicked out from under me. I really loved that job - it was euphoric. But I know that I had to stop because it would end up ruining my life. Living or Dancing on the edge isn’t worth the repercussions. I have a GREAT marriage and a good job. I also don’t like feeling addicted to anything besides coffee. Feeling like I need it, want it, got to have it no matter the cost is not a good thing. Why is it that addictions are never good for you? Why can’t I be addicted to … I don’t know… Carrots? I feel like I shouldn’t even go back for a visit. I will convince myself that I could go back for just one weekend. And then it will be two and so on.
I really do want to go back but what if my real job finds out? Would I get fired? Demoted? What if my husband is bottling up his feelings of me working there? And one day he just snaps? He doesn’t really like me going to the track, how can he handle me dancing naked in front of his friends? Speaking of the track, the organization that I work for really doesn’t like that I do it either. They have asked me not to bring it up but everyone knows and the last time I went I was treated a bit differently. Also, Dancing takes away from my time at the track. And that is one thing that I truly enjoy. When race weekend came I would spend all weekend there. I would look forward to it for the whole month. And the last time, I spent 3 hours there, just long enough to hand out trophies and leave to go to work.
So that’s my rambling. I’m trying to remind myself of all the bad things that go with Dancing so I don’t go back.
Here in reality
The temperature has risen dramatically! And now those really cool high performance winter tires that I bought are getting dangerous! The are very soft tires so when it is cold they stick perfectly to ice. Now that the temps have been in the 90s they are melting. Not literally, but they do not grip like they should and they cannot handle turns. They roll onto their sides. So I decided to buy new wheels and tires for the summer. I wanted to get new wheels so I wouldn’t have to worry about changing the tires on the same rim every season, I would just be able to switch wheels. I found a set bigger than the OEM and they are really cool looking and a whole lot more $$ than I wanted to spend. I then found a great set of all weather Michelin’s that where more than I wanted to spend but they are really nice too. I truly believe that you can’t spend too much money on tires. They are very important, especially the way I drive.
Foxy is adorable! I will take pictures of her this weekend. She’s growing…. Longer. Haha! We are having trouble house training her. She just doesn’t get that she has to go outside. Does anyone have any suggestions? We didn’t want to use the “rub the nose in it” technique because she definitely holds grudges so that just doesn’t seem very effective.
That’s all I have to bore you with today. Enjoy your day!
Candy
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
June 06
It’s not the end of the world.
So I caught hubby smoking on Saturday night. He knows I don’t like it. He knows that I would never have considered dating him if he had been smoking then. He knows that it is really bad for you. To say the least I was pissed. I watched my father die from the effects of smoking. When I asked him about it a few months ago, because he smelled like smoke, he lied to me about it.
I can’t decide if I’m more pissed at his disregard for his health or the fact that he lied to me.
I’ve always told him not to expect me to be around to carry his oxygen bottle when he gets sick. He hid the smoking from me before and after we started dating. He got caught then too. I was more pissed at him for lying to me than for the act itself. Now it hits closer to home because of my Dad. So back then I let it go and dealt with it. He respected my disgust for the habit and washed his hands and face before he came near me and later he became lazy and forgot to do those things. He went on Welbutrrin for depression and within a year quit smoking too.
This past winter we decided it was time for him to get off of the Welbutrin as it was affecting his “drive”. When I caught him on Saturday night, I asked him how long he had been smoking. He told me that he’s been smoking off and on since he got off the meds. Well the “drive” isn’t any better so he may as well get back on the meds.
I think the worst thing is that I got the wind knocked out of me when I found out he had lied. I totally expect him to tell me the truth. I have come from a life where you expect everyone to lie and he had me thinking differently. Now, I am having a hard time believing anything he says. I think… well what else has he lied to me about?
I’m trying not to blow this out of proportion. And these are the raw feelings I’m laying out.
I’m just truly hurt right now.
3:52 PM
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June 07
Vertical Straight
Just like me to get absorbed into something new. I can’t lead a normal, quiet life. NASA is hosting its 4th annual Hyper-fest this year. It’s in my July 2005 entry if you’re interested what happened last year. And you can check out http://www.hyper-fest.com/ for more details about the event.
It is usually my duty to find girls to be Spokes-Models for the event. Last year we incorporated the Umbrella girls on the starting grid which was a huge success. And in past events it’s been really hard to come up with girls. But this year…. Well… H-fest is getting popular and I’m finding that I have a plethora of actual models that want to do the job. Te-he!!! So it is my job to sort through the selection and find the ones for the job! I’m kinda (really) happy about this. This is fun, I wonder how I could make a career out of this?
Christian left for college on Monday. She’s now off on her own adventure. I’ll miss her bunches but I refuse to feel like all is lost. I am so proud of her for getting herself into the college she always wanted to go to. What strength!
10:00 AM
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June 08
Chicken out and leave or stay and fight?
Tired of the ridiculous way MSN Spaces is run? Me too! Let’s stop whining and do something about it! We each have different problems with MSNSpaces. I’ve tried to use the customer service but I am only told that they are working on the problem. So it’s either a mass exodus to another blog spot or we band together and let MSN know we are tired of the problems.
Address your complaints to Microsoft CEO - Steve Berkowitz. There was no email contact information for any of the people who could actually do something about the situation so we will have to do this the old school way. I will be sending my complaint letter by snail mail because I refuse to dial the 800 number and be transferred to India. If you would like; copy and paste this on your site so we can actually start a movement and get something accomplished!
Corporate Headquarters
AddressPlease include the recipient's first and last name, or the department name.Microsoft CorporationOne Microsoft WayRedmond, WA 98052-6399
FaxPlease include the recipient's first and last name.(425) 93-MSFAX (936-7329)
Telephone(800) MICROSOFT (642-7676)
http://blog.searchenginewatch.com/blog/060422-045733
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June 10
101 things about me updated
1.) I hate George Bush
2.) I'm rarely late
3.) I have 101 projects yet to finish
4.) when I was little I would play by myself for hours
5.) I ate magazines in pre-school
6.) I like sushi
7.) I like wine
8.) I like to drink
9.) I drink once a week, usually
10.) I don't lie......much
11.) I like cheetos and cream cheese
12.) I'm suicidal
13.) I take medication to help me with that
14.) I love my cats
15.) and my dogs
16.) I sing in my car
17.) I like to drag race at stop lights
18.) Even if the car next to me doesn't know it.
19.) I can't imagine life without the internet.
20.) I've been diagnosed with Post traumatic stress disorder
21.) and chronic depression
22.) I love the outdoors
23.) I will not go camping
24.) I have a hard time concentrating on one thing for extended periods of time.
25.) My eyes are hazel
26.) I have a nervous habit of playing with my earrings.
27.) I love to drive fast
28.) I worked at a movie theatre
29.) I started drinking when I was 13
30.) I was very insecure growing up
31.) I had no direction for most of my life
32.) I don't have a direction still
33.) I have crazy ideas
34.) I follow through on most of them
35.) I want to play
36.) I hate working
37.) I love the freedom of being on stage naked
38.) I really like the money too
39.) I've come to the realization that I'm addicted to Stripping.
40.) I want a pigmy potbellied dappled elephant
41.) I know there is so such thing.
42.) I have a mole under my little toe
43.) I beat up boys on the school bus
44.) I enjoyed it immensely
45.) I'm a sadist
46.) I have 13 piercings
47.) 13 is my lucky number
48.) I am a Taurus
49.) I like snakes
50.) I don't like bugs
51.) spiders are not bugs
52.) they eat bugs
53.) I had a "pet" turtle when I was 10
54.) I fed him worms
55.) I am/was a tomboy
56.) I drove a race car
57.) I lied on 56
58.) At one time I liked doing yard work
59.) Until I started working full time
60.) I commute an hour to work
61.) In bumper to bumper traffic
62.) I love summer spring and fall
63.) I hate winter
64.) I like going barefoot in the summer
65.) I refuse to own a car with an automatic transmission
66.) I write here for two reasons
65.) My psychologist wanted me to journal
66.) I forget things quickly
67.) I am overly critical of myself
68.) I love the beach
69.) I like this number
70.) I don't have any children.
71.) I really miss my Dad
72.) I love the mountains
73.) I would love to live in a new farm house
74.) I hate smoking
75.) My favorite flower is the Black-eyed Susan
76.) My favorite color is Pink
77.) I have anxiety attacks
78.) I get hives
79.) My family is split like pins at the end of a lane
80.) I love pretty feet
81.) Favorite beer: Michelob Light
82.) Favorite liquor: Tequila
83.) Vodka makes me mean when I drink it
84.) I am too analytical
85.) It will drive me crazy if I let it.
86.) I was blonde for 7 years
87.) I really enjoy sex
88.) I am married
89.) I have never been arrested
90.) I got a ticket for drinking under age when I was 18
91.) My real hair color is brown
92.) When I was young I thought I had to get a sunburn in order to get a tan
93.) Now I worry about melanoma
94.) I love to read
95.) mostly fiction
96.) I love coffee with cream and sugar
97.) I cannot function without it.
98.) My favorite day is Saturday
99.) I love to sleep!
100.) sleep, sleep, sleep
101.) I think sometimes I don't deserve my husband.
10:58 AM
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June 16
moving again
sick of spaces.
yeah I know I wanted to make a stand.
but I'm too lazy, or to busy to give a shit.
I'm leaving you Spaces!
I'm setting up new digs now.
I'll let you know where I go once I've moved in.
Candy
------------------------------------------------------------
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June 18
Father's Day
This is the first Father's Day without him.
I have for the past 10 years made Father's Day a top priority of holidays to celebrate. For above all else, he is my Father. More than celebrating his birthday of which he tried to ignore. He would say it was just another number, although he did have a goal of living until 105 years of age. More than celebrating all other religious holidays or government holidays. Father’s Day was all about who he was. My Father.
As the years wore on it was harder to find things to do with him on this day. Baseball games and outdoor activities where out of the question as he couldn’t stand the heat or any excitement or walking any distance. We never did make it to a baseball game. It usually ended up with me coming over to his house and cooking dinner for him and Liz. Last year was a great one, I invited the whole family and we all showed up and did a huge cookout. He was so overwhelmed. It was another one of those secret surprises that we did. I don’t even have to look back in this blog to tell you what transpired. I asked him what he wanted to do for Father’s Day and he replied. “Let’s have a surprise cookout.” Dad and I always planned our surprises. Now that I have a different perspective, maybe Dad wanted that surprise because Liz wouldn’t have a chance to say no to the family coming over. Sad huh? Dad thanked me for that day when he was in the hospital the last weeks before he died. He told me it was the best day of his life. I remember him sitting quietly watching all of us. It was a flurry of activity. I wonder what was going through his mind. I wonder if he could even imagine it would be his last one on earth.
Dear Dad,
I love you and I miss you terribly. I would give anything to be able to talk to you again. There are so many times that I wanted to pick up the phone or write an email to tell you about things.
I have so many good memories coming through now. They come more often than the bad ones do.
I’m trying to be strong like you would want me to. Days like these are hard, but I know that tomorrow will bring on another day, and another. And they say that time heals all wounds. But time won’t bring you back to me. They try to make me believe that you are still with me. But I can’t feel you there. I feel and empty hole in my soul where your life once was. And that is a very big hole. I’m trying to pack it full of good memories. And that is all I can do for now.
I love you,
Candy
11:09 AM
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