Wednesday, August 08, 2007

September 22 - 30, 2005

September 22

Miss Independent

Who are you and what have you done with my…..?

Do you see some people as better than you?

Do find them to be “untouchable”?

Why?

What makes them seem “untouchable”?

Does your inner dialogue tell you that you are not worthy?

What are you not worthy of?

On the other hand.

Is it wrong to have self pride?

If you see someone headed for a brick wall or floundering in a bad situation do you help them?

Does that make you better than the other?

Do you run the risk of that person thinking you’re better than them for giving them a hand?

Where do you draw the line with extending your hand and risking your stability? ­

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September 22 continued

101 Things about me

1.) I hate George Bush

2.) I'm rarely late

3.) I have 101 projects yet to finish

4.) when I was little I would play by myself for hours

5.) I ate magazines in pre-school

6.) I like sushi

7.) I like wine...wine wine wine

8.) I like to drink

9.) I drink once a week, usually

10.) I don't lie......much

11.) I like cheetos and cream cheese

12.) I'm suicidal

13.) I take medication to help me with that

14.) I love my cats

15.) and my dog

16.) I sing in my car

17.) I used to care about Liars

18.) I used to care about cheaters

19.) Now I just don't care

20.) I've been diagnosed with Post traumatic stress disorder

21.) and chronic depression

22.) I love the outdoors

23.) I will not go camping

24.) I used to enjoy my nightmares

25.) Until I started dreaming about my fathers death.

26.) I can't breathe or speak in my dreams

27.) I love to drive fast

28.) I used to work at a movie theatre

29.) I started drinking when I was 13

30.) I was very insecure growing up

31.) I had no direction for most of my life

32.) I don't have a direction still

33.) I have crazy ideas

34.) I follow through on most of them

35.) I want to play

36.) I hate working

37.) I love the freedom of being on stage naked

38.) I really like the money too

39.) I forgot what I was going to put here

40.) I want a pigmy potbellied dappled elephant

41.) I am a dog person

42.) I have a mole under my little toe

43.) I beat up boys on the school bus

44.) I enjoyed it immensely

45.) I'm a sadist

46.) I have 13 piercings

47.) 13 is my lucky number

48.) I am a Taurus

49.) I like snakes

50.) I don't like bugs

51.) spiders are not bugs

52.) they eat bugs

53.) I had a "pet" turtle when I was 10

54.) I fed him worms

55.) I am/was a tomboy

56.) I used to drive a race car

57.) I lied on 56

58.) I used to like yard work

59.) Until I started working full time

60.) I commute an hour to work

61.) In bumper to bumper traffic

62.) I love summer spring and fall

63.) I hate winter

64.) I like going barefoot in the summer

65.) I refuse to own a car with an automatic transmission

66.) I write here for two reasons

65.) My psychologist wanted me to journal

66.) I forget things quickly

67.) I am overly critical of myself

68.) I love the beach

69.) I like this number

70.) I don't have any children.

71.) I really miss my Dad

72.) I love the mountains

73.) I would love to live in a new farm house

74.) I hate smoking

75.) My favorite flower is the Black-eyed Susan

76.) My favorite color is Red

77.) I have anxiety attacks

78.) I get hives

79.) My family is split like pins at the end of a lane

80.) I love pretty feet

81.) Favorite beer: Michelob Light

82.) Favorite liquor: Tequila

83.) Vodka makes me mean when I drink it

84.) I am too analytical

85.) My real hair color is brown

86.) I was blonde for 7 years

87.) I really enjoy sex

88.) I am married

89.) I have never been arrested

90.) I got a ticket for drinking under age when I was 18

91.) I love policemen

92.) Ok I lied again

93.) I like them a little

94.) I love to read

95.) mostly fiction

96.) I love coffee

97.) Thank god for coffee

98.) I take it with cream and sugar

99.) I am in need of a cup right now

100.) My favorite day is Saturday

101.) I think sometimes I don't deserve my husband.

10:13 PM ­

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September 26

Hella Good

It’s BIG MEETING WEEK. Suck.

Feeling worn out today from a very busy weekend.

FRIDAY: After work I stopped by the track for a while and said hi to everyone. We both went to bed early Friday night. Well that’s after Christian came and hung out for a while. Poor girl’s going through a lot and I wanted her to have some time to chill and talk if she needed too. God knows she’s been there for me.

SATURDAY: Loads of compliments on my hair and lots of questions from everyone about where I’ve been. This time I didn’t have M to forewarn them about my Dad so there where all kinds of questions. Luckily I got through most of them on Friday evening which left the rest of the weekend for normal fun at the track. I handed out candy and greeted all the visitors and staff. It’s funny being called “the candy girl”. Steph and Nikki where our guest trophy girls and they had great time.

Saturday night a whole bunch of NASA people went to Vixens and there was all kinds of drunken mayhem.

SUNDAY: We had a great time on Saturday night and Sunday morning was a subdued one. Well as much as it can be at a loud race track. I worked half of Sunday and went home and slept the rest of the day away. NASA weekends tend to wear me out. I always forget about that. I’m sore from pushing cars onto the scales and walking around but otherwise it was good to be back. The dude that sells tires wants me to come and work with him next weekend at Summit. I told him I would…. And I’m seriously thinking about it as I need new tires anyway. He wants me to be there at 7:30 (hahaha) Hope he doesn’t mind if I’m late.

Today is going ok for a Monday. I feel like I’ve got a UTI brewing and I’m not happy about that. This week is not going to be fun as it is BIG MEETING WEEK and total chaos has begun.

And I cannot forget to mention that my husband really helped this weekend by doing laundry and straightening up the house. What a huge help!

1:46 PM –

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September 27

Where the Streets Have No Names

What’s on my mind.

How to begin.

I sit on my couch almost every evening and stare at the box with my Dad’s stuff in it. I haven’t moved it from its original resting place after I retrieved it from the front porch a few weeks ago. And a few things go through my head. I think of my father yes, but you know who I think of most? My step mother.

I really want to give her the benefit of the doubt for her behavior during the time my Dad was in the hospital. But why, why would she be giving me the cold shoulder? My Dad and I loved this woman so much and now she just turns her back on both of us. I don’t want this to be true, I didn’t want it to be true when she was acting the way she was when my Dad was on his death bed.

I wanted her to live with me when she couldn’t take care of herself anymore. I considered her to be my mother. I loved her and loved spending time with her. I made sure to spend a whole day with her for Mother’s Day, doing whatever she wanted and looked forward to doing it every year. If she needed help, I was there. Her children turned their back on her and I was there for her. I loved her and respected her, and I thought I knew her.

So now, the woman that I thought I knew, the woman that I loved as a mother and had walk me down the isle at my wedding is not who I thought she was. Did she ever love me? Did she just put up with me for my father’s sake? Am I really that bad of a person? Why is she so quickly dismantling the house? If I think back about certain things that occurred in the past do they add up or is it my imagination?

I emailed her on the Monday after she dropped off the box:

Hi! I wanted to tell you thank you sooo much for the box that you dropped off on Sunday. It is very nice to have some of Dad’s things around me. I miss him so much and it’s comforting. I hope you are doing ok and please let me know if you need anything.

Love,

Candy and M

I didn’t get a response. Nothing. I just sent it again today with a note that said I wanted to make sure she got this. Honestly, I’m worried about her response.

Yeah, I’ve got issues with Motherly figures. My real Mother is a nutcase. I actually cannot talk to her. She’s one of those people that just doesn’t make any sense and she wants to bring you in on the conflict. If it hadn’t been for my brother in London she would be a bag lady. She doesn’t care to work, and she will mooch off of anyone that she can. Some psychologists would call her toxic. You know those who suck the life right out from you? Yeah, that’s her.

So why am I even worried about my Step Mother? Well because, I honestly thought that we had something. I thought it was unbreakable. And now, along with loosing my father, I’ve lost my mother as well. You know that invisible rope that connects you to your parents? The one that you tug on when you need to know they are there? Well, mine's floating out there with nothing attached. A fetus with the umbilical cored severed. So now, I’m learning to swim, without the lifeline.

On another note, I’ve discovered that there are certain people who understand the loosing of a parent and there are certain people who don’t. The one’s who do understand are ones who have lost a parent themselves. Now, in this new experience that I am going through, I just want to share with those who have not lost a parent and maybe it will help you in the future.

The people who have lost parents always say “yeah it hurts and you know it’s been __ years since I’ve lost my parent and I still think about them every day and I still miss them like it was yesterday” “You’re grief will subside a little but it will always hurt”

The people who haven’t lost parents say “It’s time for you to move on with life, your parent wouldn’t want you to be like this, they would want to see you go on.”

I really want those people to stop telling me to hurry up and get over it. I was closer to my father than anyone else on this earth. Yes, even M and he is fine with that. My Father was my identity and my soul. It seems to me that people are rushing me along so they can have their old Candy back. I really think that is selfish. He was the reason why I was so happy. It will take time and it will take as much time as I need it to. And no one can rush me into healing any faster. I am not recluse and I am trying to get out and live, but damn it why the rush? My Father would want me to take as much time as I need, he understands how soft I am inside as he was the same way. Even in the last weeks he was in the hospital he would reflect on his father’s death with a heavy heart.

Now, before ya’ll get your panties into a bunch and tell me how much of a bitch I am and tell me that I “need” to blah blah blah…. I want you to know this, so in the future, you will be able to say the right things to a person who has lost a parent.

Oh, and thanks for hangin' in there and supporting me through my deepest darkest moments. Anger, Grief, Loneliness, Reclusive-ness, Questions among other things are all part of the mourning process. It’s not over, but I feel like I can actually heave myself over the edge of the hole and grasp onto a branch. I’m so sad that I’ve left some casualties in the wake of my disaster. These times are true tests of friendships. And those who are willing to turn their backs on me while I’m down, really weren’t good friends anyway. But, I suppose that we all make mistakes and things will work out in the end. Also, Thanks for all of ya’lls help and ideas in my "scheme". Finding places to hide the evidence and giving me escape plans and advice on how to prolong the process. Thanks for willing to be there when I call with the “Eagle has Landed” code. You never know when the scheme could come to fruition. It could be months to years if at all….. Now all I have to do is get my scuba trainers certificate…..and do you really think the Scarab will work?

I have to say that M has been incredible, supportive and loving. He’s managed to be my rock and then my partner in my grief. He loved my Dad very much and I know he feels just as terrible as I do. I haven’t yet talked to him about my Step-mother thoughts this week. I wanted to write and think a little more before I bring it to him.

I really didn’t think that when our relationship started that I could love him any more than I did. Unbelievably, our love has grown throughout the years. Going through this with him has really opened my eyes to what kind of person he really is and he really is an incredible human being. Not only does he have my heart but he has my respect too. He is beautiful inside.

That’s all I’ve got to say for now, thanks for listening……err…. reading. Peace. ­

1:45 PM –

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September 28

Parabola

No response.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment,

We are choosing to be here right now. hold on, stay inside...

This holy reality, this holy experience. choosing to be here in...

This body. this body holding me. be my reminder here that I am not alone in

This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal all this pain is an illusion.

Alive

This holy reality, in this holy experience. choosing to be here in...

This body. this body holding me. be my reminder here that I am not alone in

This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal all this pain is an illusion...

Of what it means to be alive

Swirling round with this familiar parable.

Spinning, weaving round each new experience.

Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this

Chance to be alive and breathing

Chance to be alive and breathing.

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.

Embrace this moment. remember. we are eternal.

All this pain is an illusion.

~TOOL

3:55 PM –

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September 30

F You I Won't Do What You Tell Me!

Yippeee! It’s Friday! Double Margarita Friday! Yeah so what, I had a margarita last night, but that doesn’t count.

I rode into work with M this morning. I’m working the 7 to 4 shift. Mornings really suck. Really really suck! And tomorrow morning well, it’s going to suck worse! Because I’m going to be outside at 7:30 in the morning selling tires! Yeah! Why am I excited? I dunno, but there’s a good possibility that if I have to be up at that time on a Saturday morning, I will still be inebriated from the night before. That’s ok because it’ll make life a bit more bearable for sure!

As of now I’ve had at least 6 cups of coffee and I’m feeling pretty damn wired. ZZZZZZZZINNNNGGGG!

I can’t believe it’s almost October. October brings a few things. Back to dancing, Hot air balloon and wine festival, carving pumpkins, Halloween & cold weather!

I think I’ll be able to handle dancing better since it’ll be cold out and I won’t have to do anything else.

The Balloon and Wine Festival is always a blast and we look forward to going every year. Only thing that sucks is that it falls on the same weekend as racing. That’s a very hard choice to make. I’ve always said that racing comes first but damn…. I’m not so sure. I’m trying to figure out how I can spend the day at the wine fest and the evening on trophy duty. It’ll all work out I’m sure.

Christian is my pumpkin carving victim for this year. I always make someone carve pumpkins with me. They usually don’t want to and think it’s stupid. But I like it and I think its fun. And you know what??? Christian has a tradition of carving pumpkins every year too! She wants to go punkin huntin! She always goes to a pumpkin patch to get hers. Isn’t that cool? I’ve never done that before. I always go to the local farmers market and pick mine and my victims out from a big pile o’ punkins. Pretty exciting!

Halloween is on a Monday this year and that sucks but that means that we get to celebrate all weekend long. I don’t know how that will work if I’m back to dancing by then. I feel like I will be back by then.

The cold has already started. 40’s in the mornings really sucks. My friend Mary is from Florida and she’s freezing her boobies off! But she was excited about the seasons and snow and stuff that I take for granted. Yay for her. She’ll hate winter after this one. By February she’ll be packing up her stuff and heading down south.

Well, let’s hope today goes fast and the weekend goes slow. Have a great day. ­

10:00 AM –

Posted by Joy at 1:32 PM |

October 14 - 02, 2005

October 02

yes, I did

Candy,

I did receive your email. It's hard for me to respond at work. I was in Richmond Monday and Tuesday and have had 3 major projects going since I got back. Not to mention the request before the Board of Supervisors for an additional staff member for my department and the move to our new office space which should be ready next week and I just found out about on Wednesday.

I'm glad you appreciate getting your father's things. I wasn't sure how you would respond but I thought you should have the things he treasured.

I'm working hard to get our home in shape doing a lot of things we talked about but never could do because of his health. There's still a lot to get done but I've started. Small crises have occurred but I seem to be able to roll with the punches.

I've decided to keep most of the shop tools. I like doing that kind of stuff and just need to learn how. Some of the bigger stuff, like the compressor and all its parts, need a new home, though. I'm not rushing for now.

Rick came by for a few hours and we had a nice chat. He and Pete finally met. Pete is on the circulation list for some of Rick's internal memos. Rick is very worried about you.

We went through a very difficult five weeks. You and I did it together. We were there for your Dad. You should be proud of that. I'm sure he is. Whatever it is that you do, he knows. Make him proud. He loved you so much. You are his princess.

Love,

Liz

4:32 PM

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October 03

Freak On A Leash

Wow, what a great weekend.

I went to bed early on Friday and got up early on Saturday and headed straight to the track to sell Tires. That was easy and fun. It was Porsche weekend and I got an eyeful for sure. I worked till 3 o’clock and went home for a nap. The dude that hired me, Brian, wanted to go out and party and I had the perfect place in mind.

He took M and I out to dinner. After that, we picked up Johnny and headed to the club. (You really didn’t think we would go anywhere else did you?) Johnny got drunk off his ass, Brian was like a kid in a candy store. He disappeared for over an hour. We found out later that he was in a champagne room. He treated the guys to two Shower Shows and a whole buncha drinks. That was a very good night. And I just have to add that Brandy from the club is looking hotter and hotter! (and I think she likes me) Guess it doesn’t hurt that she’s my dance partner……. hehehehee.

Sunday I woke up early and headed to the track and found out that Brian really didn’t need me for that day and I was perfectly fine with that! I went straight home and climbed into bed and snuggled up to M. We woke up and went to breakfast and sat around all day. Actually, I sat around all day. M mowed the grass and went to help Danny with his truck. He brought home Pizza and Wings and we ate dinner and went to bed. He’s been very attentive here lately and I’m really enjoying it. I told him last night that what he’s been doing is good. It’s keeping me from shutting down my emotions and keeping me afloat. He really has helped me pull through this. I’m really coming to terms that he knows me even more than I know myself. Yeah, he’s stumbled here and there but no one is perfect. And he’s certainly made up for it by his actions otherwise.

He told me today that he can’t wait for Halloween. He said that I’ve made it a tradition that he looks forward to every year. I find that really cool. I just try really hard to go do something for Halloween – oh and look hot doing it!

4:29 PM –

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October 04

Living Dead Girl I want to write something meaningful, maybe some kind of….. well…….something. I want to write about a goal or the meaning of life. But it’s just not coming to me today. I want it to be intelligent, thoughtful and deep. Like a light bulb clicking on. But errrrrrrrgggh……… nope, not happening. I’m going to give myself ear-roids trying to think that deep.

Ok so, I’m thinking of the future and right now I’m kinda stuck in the present. Here’s the thing…

I’m lacking in direction I suppose. Yeah, and motivation. I’m only motivated when it comes to fun things. And my only direction is to have fun too. I am not interested in doing anything at home. I don’t wanna clean, mow the grass, do laundry, landscape, paint, brush the animals, and all the other kinda domestic crap that’s lined up with home ownership. I don’t want to organize the bills or organize my makeup.

How in the hell am I supposed to get any direction if I can’t start with the basics? My life is a never ending cycle of: sleep through the alarm, rush around, skip the shower, battle traffic to work, act like I’m working, try to produce something to show for it, leave at five, battle traffic, get home, eat dinner, watch tv, snuggle with my hubby, take a shower cuz I stink, go to bed and do it all over again the next day. And you know what my weekends are like… Margarita Friday’s, sleep in on Saturday, oh hell I wasted my day anyway may as well just sit around until Saturday night and do it all again. My weekday life is so boring I take it all out on my weekends. I’m just as useless now as I was when I was dancing on the weekends so I can’t blame it on that. I’m tired all the time, but I sleep enough.

I want to remedy the problem but, you see, I run out of steam by the time I get home. I’m tired! I guess what I’m going to do is, drink some coffee and try to store up some energy to do something constructive when I get home.

Eck. No-one ever told me growing up was going to be like this. It was “what do you want to be when you grow up?” Honestly, what the hell kinda question is that?! When you look at yourself now are you defined by your career? I don’t identify myself by my day job, now my weekend job might be another thing. “I want to be an exotic dancer when I grow up mommy!” “I wanna dance naked in front of complete strangers for money! Yay!” (picture little girl jumping up and down in her pigtails.) In a way it’s better than “I wanna be an administrative assistant.” “what’s that, dear?” “oh, it’s a like a secretary but they do more work and don’t get any credit.” Ok so at least the exotic dancer thing sounds more exciting to me. Hey, no-one ever said I was at all mentally stable.

Well, I was going to go straight home and clean something…. My vibrator perhaps? Oh, no I mean like do the dishes, yeah that’s it. But, oh man, Christian needs me! Guess I’ll have to put off my motivation till tomorrow.

Oh, so how would you describe yourself….? ­

2:39 PM –

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October 05

Renegades of Funk

How timely, I was emailed the above pictures this afternoon… hmm, I wonder if the sender has access to my space? Oh well, if she chooses to read then she gets what she deserves.

Anyhow, I’m going to try to be productive when I get home.

Yesterday, I wanted to visit with Christian. She had a very bad day and I just wanted to be with her. I helped her clean at the Chocolate Shop where she works and then I took her out to dinner.

So today, I worked all day long. Yeah, I didn’t fake it. I didn’t like it at all but I still have some momentum to carry me over to home. Hopefully I won’t loose it during my long drive home.

I think that’s all I’ve got to say for now. Not much going on. Oh, I’m tired of my tires loosing air so I’m buying new ones. I did some research and I special ordered them. They’re performance rated winter tires. They should to really good this winter.

Ok now I’m done.

Have a fantabulous fucking day.

4:18 PM –

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October 07

My Immortal

I had a dream that it was my duty to place the magnet over my Dad’s pacemaker to shut it off. When I reached over him to place the magnet on his pacer and he pulled me closed and kissed and hugged me. He told me he loved me.

I called my Dad’s cell phone yesterday to see if it was still activated, I wanted to hear his voice on the voicemail. Fuck I miss him so much. ­

9:04 AM –

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October 13

Genie in a bottle

I’ve been so busy trying to keep my focus that I haven’t had time to write! I’m exhausted when I get home but I try to do at least one thing to maintain the house. That’s all I’ve got time for now. See ya later.

3:28 PM –

_________________________________

October 14

My Humps

Morning turds

I’ve actually been motivated this week. Here at work I’ve completed projects that have been sitting for months. I guess when I actually decide to work instead of checking my personal email and surfing the web and reading my favorite blogs I can actually get stuff done. Who the hell knew?

Anyhow, my heart still hurts for missing my dad. I cry almost every day. It just hurts so much. God, it just seems like he could still be an email or a phone call away. I really miss those emails that he would send me that would just say “Hi.” That’s it nothing else, but they where so special.

There’s another thing bothering me. I think that my dealing with the death of my father has really strained my relationship with Marci. I think that there was so much emotion involved that our little balloon just burst. She put so much effort into being there for me and trying to make me feel better that maybe I just ran her out of gas or something. I don’t know, something is different. It’s like we both ran out of emotions for each other and are pausing for a breath. I’m sure we’ll be ok, but I’m not sure if things will be the same. I think she’s taking on her own life now. And that’s what people do. She’s got the strength to stand on her own two feet and take care of the family that she’s always wanted. And that is something that I cannot deny her and honestly, it makes me so happy to see her fly.

I’m looking forward to this weekend for the Hot Air Balloon and Wine Festival and NASA event. My schedule is packed as usual, but that’s the way I like it. I have to admit that most of my schedule consists of alcohol consumption ….ok so…. everything that I have planned consists of alcohol consumption. Yeah, maybe I’ll have to have a New Year’s resolution not to drink so much next year. If it only wasn’t so much fun….. except for the puking.

I have my Halloween costume! I’m going to be a race car driver! Hah! I found the costume at a party store, it’s a sexy replica of a driver’s fire suit. I haven’t worn that much spandex since 1992! But it’ll be warm and comfy and I can use it on photo shoots with race cars. Multi functional – that’s what I like.

Now I don’t want to Jinx this but I really have to point out that my husband has been super duper extra special attentive and loving for a few weeks now. Like when we first got together. He says that he just can’t stand that I ever felt like he didn’t care so he wants to show me. And it’s great, he’s actually helping around the house and making me feel beautiful and special. Everything I’ve always wanted but didn’t know how good it made me feel until I got it. I hope it doesn’t stop, but I’m sure that no-one can keep up this momentum for long. I’m scared I’m going to run him out of gas too.

M got a really good deal on a Toyota truck. One like we’ve both always wanted. So we took out a home equity loan and bought it. It’s now in the garage with the bed off and he’s sanding all the rust off the frame. He’s so happy working in his garage. I like the truck too, it’ll be very useful around the house and it’s not an eyesore.

Moving on, it’s only 7:41 in the morning and I’m here at work and I’ve already typed all this mess. I had to drop my car off last night to get my windshield replaced. Richie accidentally cracked it by knocking upon it. He wanted to show me that my alarm would sound because it has a concussion sensor in it. He is having it replaced. I think that’s awesome that he would do that.

I think I’ve filled you in on everything that is happening and so, I must get to work. Have a great day!

Oh yeah, I went to get Luci from the back yard this morning before I left, she was taking longer than usual for her morning potty break. I found her just starting to eat a rabbit. I don’t know if she caught it or if it was already dead but EEEEEWWWWW! M’s going to have to take care of that when he gets home for damn sure! ­

7:48 AM –

Posted by Joy at 1:27 PM |

October 31 - 18, 2005

October 18

Look Mummy, there's an aero plane up in the sky!

What a freakin weird weekend. Blame it on the full moon, too much alcohol and a teeny bit of manic depression and not enough meds.

Friday = Vixens

Saturday

Christian took me to a pumpkin patch and it was such a beautiful day and we picked out pumpkins and apples. She’s going to carve the pumpkins with me and she already made pumpkin pie and apple pie and delivered them last night. That was freakin awesome!

She also helped me set up dinner at the track on Saturday before she had to go be Buzzy the mascot. I was going to do the trophy ceremony but I had to leave because we where scheduled to close on our home equity loan at around the same time that the trophies where to be given out. Kinda makes me sad because it’s the last one of the year. Then M and I went to Vixens with all my friends from the race track and I got to drunk and flirted way too much and yeah, not so good. M almost beat up someone I knew from the track because he came up behind me and put his arms around my shoulders. Poor Gabe, M scared the crap out of him.

Sunday

I got up and went straight to the track to say good bye to everyone. Goes to say Gabe didn’t even look at me. M didn’t know who he was. Honestly, you should always introduce yourself before you touch another man’s wife. Anyway, I’ll miss those guys. I don’t know if I’ll be so involved next year. It’s just getting so difficult to keep M from being jealous.

I’ll have to tell you about the wine festival tomorrow. See ya!

3:57 PM –

_________________________

October 20

Who sucks? You suck!

Ok, the hot air balloon and wine festival.

There’s a reason why they include the wine with balloons. If it’s too windy balloons don’t fly so it’s a good idea to include so happy juice so no-one notices.

Anyhow, my brother, sister and niece met us there along with Brandy/Mary from the club and her boyfriend and a few other friends showed up. It was brisk and windy but we managed to have a nice picnic on the lawn. I didn’t get to hang out enough with my family as I wanted to and I feel guilty about that. We got split up because we showed up late and had to get our wine and they had already done that. I’m going to have to call my bro and hang out with him soon. Brandy/Mary, her boyfriend Cal, M and I went to Hunter’s Head (http://www.ayrshirefarm.com/HuntersHead.php) after the wine fest and ate dinner. M and Cal managed to get along pretty well. Especially since Cal’s first impression wasn’t that great. It kinda went like this: we just showed up at the club and Cal was there and Brandy introduced us. Cal grabbed hold of me and M is like – “Hi, my names M can you put down my wife?” Cal had started drinking way before we got there and before the end of the night he’s trying to give M a lap dance. Yeah, it started off rocky but Cal really is a cool person and the second impression was much better.

Anyway, Brandy/Mary had wonderful time. She doesn’t drink that much so after one glass she was feeling really good. It was nice to be able to relax and talk without the loud music.

I’m feeling sick this week, I think I’ve got a cold or allergies. Either way it’s not curable.

Yesterday was rough because I was having flashbacks of when my Dad passed and by the time I got home I was ready to burst. I had told M earlier in the day that I needed to go home and take a hot bath because my shoulders where hurting so much that my hands are seizing up again. I walked in the door and he was already running the bath water for me. And I just broke down and sobbed for an hour. I told him everything. All the memories I’d been having and how I wished it could all have been different and how I really want my Dad back. It’ll be two months tomorrow and I don’t think it’s any easier than it was the day after he died. If anyone mentions Thanksgiving or Christmas my stomach goes into knots. I didn’t like those holidays to begin with, but it was just another reason to go see my Dad. Now, I’ve got an empty space. It’s easy for me to say that M and I will have to fill that void but I’m scared to rely on only one person. It took Dad and M to keep me going before. I’ll just take it one day at a time. I’m really close to finding a psychologist again. I think I need a shrinkin.

I don’t have any plans for this weekend. Just going to catch up with stuff around the house I suppose.

I’m still trying to put together in my head a poem or song or something that describes my feelings but once I start digging in it hurts to bad. Scratching at the festering wound is what it feels like.

I went through all of my old emails at work today. I would keep them just in case I ever had to refer back. Sometimes personal ones got missed and ended up in there. Here’s all that I found between my Dad and me. And a conversation from Liz and I when Dad went in.

-----Original Message-----

From: Carl [mailto:ec @msn.com]

Sent: Friday, May 14, 2004 3:51 PM

To: Candy

Subject: HA

I found another one in the back lawn.

----- Original Message -----

From: Candy

To: 'Carl '

Sent: Monday, May 17, 2004 8:03 AM

Subject: RE: HA

I've seen about 400 of them in my yard, they must not have gotten the memo! I suppose we'll be feasting on Cicada Crisps at the bake.

Candy

-----Original Message-----

From: Carl [mailto:ec @msn.com]

Sent: Monday, May 17, 2004 9:08 AM

To: Candy

Subject: Re: HA

Liz found another one on the front deck yesterday. I have not seen any more. I can hear them in the distance, but so far, none.

----- Original Message -----

From: Candy

To: 'Carl

Sent: Monday, May 17, 2004 9:09 AM

Subject: RE: HA

Do they eat hosta's? They're all over them.

Candy

-----Original Message-----

From: Carl

Sent: Monday, May 17, 2004 9:11 AM

To: Candy

Subject: Re: HA

Anything big they are not supposed to eat. Just little stuff. Baby trees etc.

Original Message -----

From: Candy

To: 'Carl

Sent: Monday, May 17, 2004 9:11 AM

Subject: RE: HA

I don't see them on my trees just the hosta's I hope they don't hurt my dogwoods.

Candy

-----Original Message-----

From: Carl

Sent: Monday, May 17, 2004 9:17 AM

To: Candy

Subject: Re: HA

Luci may eat some. They are good protein. But if she eats too many she won't be able to dugest the shells and then throw up.

Is Marci and Sabrina still coming to bake?

----- Original Message -----

From: Candy

To: 'Carl

Sent: Monday, May 17, 2004 9:17 AM

Subject: RE: HA

No, Marci couldn't change her plane tickets w/out avoiding the fee.

Candy

----- -----Original Message-----

From: Carl ]

Sent: Monday, May 17, 2004 9:19 AM

To: Candy

Subject: Re: HA

What plane tickets?

----- Original Message -----

From: Candy

To: 'Carl

Sent: Monday, May 17, 2004 9:20 AM

Subject: RE: HA

She's going to Arkansas to see her boyfriend graduate from Air force academy on Thursday. She's to come back on Sunday night.

Candy M.

-----Original Message-----

From: Carl

Sent: Monday, May 17, 2004 9:22 AM

To: Candy

Subject: Re: HA

Gotcha

----- Original Message -----

From: Candy

To: 'Carl

Sent: Monday, May 17, 2004 9:22 AM

Subject: RE: HA

Were you able to get ahold CVP?

Candy

From: Carl ]

Sent: Monday, May 17, 2004 9:22 AM

Tried several times at different times and got no answer or answering machine. They mat be very bust with the swimming season with Kirsten and Gunnar. Will try again tonight.

The fish guy that was on millwood ave disappeared and don't know where he went.

> -----Original Message-----

> From: ec[

> Sent: Thursday, March 18, 2004 9:52 AM

> To: Candy ; ec ; ec .com

> Subject: Trying Email

>

> Good Moring to you.

> I am trying an AT&T email program.

> Can you respond to this address

-----Original Message-----

From: e[

Sent: Thursday, March 18, 2004 3:32 PM

To: Candy

Subject: RE: Trying Email

Just thought I would try another ISP and see what the difference is.

How is your world going?

Love you

> Candy >>> Candy7/21/2005 8:36:00 AM >>>

Carpel tunnel, resp infection, 3 year old, great husband. And you?

Hi, I don't have your work number. I called WMC and found out how Dad was doing. They said he was doing better today.

----Original Message-----

From: Elizabeth

Sent: Thursday, July 21, 2005 8:43 AM

To: TC

Subject: Re: Hi

I stopped by this a.m. and he was more peaceful but still couldn't take a deep breath. I spoke with the doctor again and he said that he'd had a much better night. The objective now is to calm down the gall bladder and even out the chemical balance in his body. I was going to stay but he seemed stable and like he was going to sleep all day. i have a meeting this a.m. I'll check at noon.

>>> Candy Cr <7/21/2005>>>

Hi, where you able to find out how he was or should I call him?

Candy

-----Original Message-----

From: Elizabeth

Sent: Thursday, July 21, 2005 2:08 PM

To: T

Subject: RE: Hi

I was there around lunch time. He's very groggy. I thought he'd never get the first sip of his soup in his mouth, he was so slow. He didn't have much of an appetite but he ate some stuff - all liquids. I didn't stay very long because he kept falling asleep. Blood pressure, Oxygen level, and heart rate all look good. If you call, I doubt that you will get him. Although Caren did. You might catch him awake. Mom

>>> Candy > 7/21/2005 2:09:58 PM >>>

Love you.

Candy

From: Elizabeth

Sent: Thursday, July 21, 2005 2:08 PM

To: T

Subject: RE: Hi

DITTO

mOM

5:00 PM –

____________________________________________________________________________

October 24

Talking about Temple of Reality Taking this from Melissa's page. I think that my bathroom is pretty standard except for the pink waterproof vibrator sitting on a shelf underneath the sink.

Quote

Temple of Reality

I have been in "cleaning mode" today and I was just wondering. Did you ever go to somebody's house for dinner or a party or something and then use the family bathroom? And while you were in there, did you ever take a look in the medicine cabinet? Just to kind of compare notes, you know? Didn't you ever---just look around---a little? I had a friend who used to do it all the time. He claimed he was doing research for his Ph.D. in sociology. He said lots of other people snoop in the medicine cabinets as well. And they're not working on a Ph.D. in sociology. It's not something people talk about much---because you think you might be the only one who is doing it, and you don't want people to think you're strange, right? My friend used to say if you wanted to know the truth about people, the bathroom is the place to go. All you have to do is look in the drawers and shelves and cabinets. And take a look at the robes and pajamas and nightgowns hanging on the hook behind the door. You'll get the picture. All their habits and hopes and dreams and sorrows, illnesses and hang-ups, and even their sex life---all stand revealed in that one small room. Most people are secret slobs *cough*. The deepest mysteries of the race are tucked into the nooks and crannies of the bathroom, where we go to be alone, to confront ourselves in the mirror, to comb and curry and scrape and preen our hides, to coax our aging and ailing bodies into one more day, to clean ourselves and relieve ourselves, to paint and deodorize our surfaces, to meditate and consult our oracle and attempt to improve our lot. He said it's all there. In cans and bottles and tubes and boxes and vials. Potions and lotions and perfumes and appliances and soaps and powders and medicines and devices beyond description---some electric, some not. He said he found most bathrooms are about the same. What a sense of wondrous unity of the human race. I don't intend to start an epidemic of spelunking in people’s bathrooms. But I did just go take a look at my own. I get the picture. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. There I am. Go take a look. In your own Temple of Reality.

And from now on, please go to the bathroom at home before you visit me.

My bathroom is closed to the public. ­ ________________________________________________________________

October 25

Stand UP!

I MADE IT ON SOMEONE’S FAVORITE LIST! MY LIFE IS NOW COMPLETE! Hheheee! Thanks Melissa!

So in my quest to get my shit together, I managed to actually get some work done at home and at work. I’ve been on a roll and now I’ve kinda peter’d out. I think that maybe the weather has something to do with it, or maybe it’s just a cycle that I’m going through. I’m not sure. Either way, I need to get back up and keep myself focused. Let’s see what was the trick to my motivation the last time? I suppose it was more caffeine. So I’m going to get some coffee. Here’s what is going on:

I have an appointment with a new Dr. I hope this one is better than the last. First: The office stored their specimen cups in a bag on the floor in the restroom. Second: The Dr. was neurotic about telling me about different medications that could kill me like Allegra D. I’m paranoid that when it comes time to get refill prescriptions on my Prozac he’ll tell me no and try to make me go without. BAD IDEA. Third: when I went to him to get my splinter out, he didn’t want to take it out I had to insist, he used the big ass pliers to get underneath my nail only to find out it was already infected and filled with puss. He couldn’t get it all out so I had to come back the next day and he said he felt so bad about how much it hurt he wanted to numb it like I had originally asked. He stuck the need in both sides of my finger before the knuckle telling me the anesthetic would travel down to the tip and I would only feel pressure. Well… that didn’t work. It only numbed where he stuck and so he just dug in like last time with the big pliers and retrieved the rest of the splinter. He also told me he was scared of needles and he had to sit down while he gave me the injections just in case he passed out. So I am going to see the new Dr. Anything can be better than that!

This will be a strange Autumn without seeing Marilyn Manson. We’ve gone to see him in concert for several years in a row. The show always topped off our summer activities and put a finishing touch on our Halloween. He’s not touring right now so we have to find something else to do.

We carved our pumpkins on Monday night. M found some red glow sticks to make the pumpkins extra special this year. That was fun!

M’s is a scary devil pumpkin, Christian’s is a cat in front of a moon, and mine is the cannibal pumpkin.

Have a great day!

12:50 PM

____________________________________

October 26

A Driving Desire

He starts pressuring me,

Begging every chance he gets.

He hugs into me and slides around me,

He hums his anticipation, his body jerks with excitement.

I just smile and stroke his ego,

He wants to go, and I do too.

I give in, there isn’t much else to do.

I push into him and he purrs with joy.

He lets go, gathering his speed.

Tingles run up my spine, (he has a way of doing that.)

He doesn’t rush, he takes his time, but he’s so good at it.

His speed increases and suddenly everything is a blur.

I grip him tightly feeling the adrenaline rush through me.

People begin to look at me in disgust.

They can’t believe I’d do such a thing in public.

I laugh at them, their men can’t please them

Their men can’t be as fast as mine and still get the job done.

He likes it in public, he likes to put on a show.

To show his strength, his power, his pleasure.

He asks for it every time we go out.

On the way to the grocery store,

Or a long stretch of high way.

Usually I give in.

I tell him I’ve had my fill, and that we are close to our destination.

He grumbles in objection, reluctantly giving in.

I loosen up on him and he eases off.

I look around as people look away with nervous eyes.

I grin and tell him not to pout in public,

We’ll give the people one last show.

I jerk the steering wheel to the left,

With every beat my car follows.

Again he picks up speed and flies past everyone,

And again people look with disgust at my recklessness.

But my man’s need for speed is too tempting to leave alone.

Besides I love driving my car.

by Christian Lowe

12:51 PM – Poems

______________________________________________________

October 27

picture

My sister left me that picture along with others a few weeks ago. She left them on my doorstep while I was at work.

I don't remember that day but it looks like we where having fun.

12:14 PM –

________________________________________________________________

October 31

Icing on your Yellow Cake

So my husband asks me last week what Yellow Cake is.

I was very surprised that he asked because he was the one who worked in the bakery! I was overwhelmed when he told me that he didn’t know what it was so I explained… “well, it’s a cake that’s yellow…” struggling to come up with the rest because that’s all I know about yellow cake. He promptly interrupted and said “noooo YELLOWCAKE! It’s a term they’re using to describe something to do with government issues”. “WHAT?” well that’s just stupid. So I decided to do a bit of Google research.

"The term yellowcake forgery refers to falsified documents which appeared to depict an attempt by Iraq's Saddam Hussein regime to purchase yellowcake uranium from the country of Niger, in defiance of United Nations sanctions. These documents were cited as evidence by the United States and United Kingdom governments during the Iraq disarmament crisis that…. Read the rest here

So that explains what it has to do with government but that doesn’t explain why it’s called yellow cake. Again I turned to Google….

The yellowcake produced by most modern mills is actually brown or black, not yellow; the name comes from the colour and texture of the concentrates produced by early mining operations. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yellowcake

So, there you have it. Yellowcake. Enjoy. With milk ­

2:14 PM – News and politics

Posted by Joy at 1:18 PM |