October 14 - 02, 2005
October 02
yes, I did
Candy,
I did receive your email. It's hard for me to respond at work. I was in Richmond Monday and Tuesday and have had 3 major projects going since I got back. Not to mention the request before the Board of Supervisors for an additional staff member for my department and the move to our new office space which should be ready next week and I just found out about on Wednesday.
I'm glad you appreciate getting your father's things. I wasn't sure how you would respond but I thought you should have the things he treasured.
I'm working hard to get our home in shape doing a lot of things we talked about but never could do because of his health. There's still a lot to get done but I've started. Small crises have occurred but I seem to be able to roll with the punches.
I've decided to keep most of the shop tools. I like doing that kind of stuff and just need to learn how. Some of the bigger stuff, like the compressor and all its parts, need a new home, though. I'm not rushing for now.
Rick came by for a few hours and we had a nice chat. He and Pete finally met. Pete is on the circulation list for some of Rick's internal memos. Rick is very worried about you.
We went through a very difficult five weeks. You and I did it together. We were there for your Dad. You should be proud of that. I'm sure he is. Whatever it is that you do, he knows. Make him proud. He loved you so much. You are his princess.
Love,
Liz
4:32 PM
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October 03
Freak On A Leash
Wow, what a great weekend.
I went to bed early on Friday and got up early on Saturday and headed straight to the track to sell Tires. That was easy and fun. It was Porsche weekend and I got an eyeful for sure. I worked till 3 o’clock and went home for a nap. The dude that hired me, Brian, wanted to go out and party and I had the perfect place in mind.
He took M and I out to dinner. After that, we picked up Johnny and headed to the club. (You really didn’t think we would go anywhere else did you?) Johnny got drunk off his ass, Brian was like a kid in a candy store. He disappeared for over an hour. We found out later that he was in a champagne room. He treated the guys to two Shower Shows and a whole buncha drinks. That was a very good night. And I just have to add that Brandy from the club is looking hotter and hotter! (and I think she likes me) Guess it doesn’t hurt that she’s my dance partner……. hehehehee.
Sunday I woke up early and headed to the track and found out that Brian really didn’t need me for that day and I was perfectly fine with that! I went straight home and climbed into bed and snuggled up to M. We woke up and went to breakfast and sat around all day. Actually, I sat around all day. M mowed the grass and went to help Danny with his truck. He brought home Pizza and Wings and we ate dinner and went to bed. He’s been very attentive here lately and I’m really enjoying it. I told him last night that what he’s been doing is good. It’s keeping me from shutting down my emotions and keeping me afloat. He really has helped me pull through this. I’m really coming to terms that he knows me even more than I know myself. Yeah, he’s stumbled here and there but no one is perfect. And he’s certainly made up for it by his actions otherwise.
He told me today that he can’t wait for Halloween. He said that I’ve made it a tradition that he looks forward to every year. I find that really cool. I just try really hard to go do something for Halloween – oh and look hot doing it!
4:29 PM –
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October 04
Living Dead Girl I want to write something meaningful, maybe some kind of….. well…….something. I want to write about a goal or the meaning of life. But it’s just not coming to me today. I want it to be intelligent, thoughtful and deep. Like a light bulb clicking on. But errrrrrrrgggh……… nope, not happening. I’m going to give myself ear-roids trying to think that deep.
Ok so, I’m thinking of the future and right now I’m kinda stuck in the present. Here’s the thing…
I’m lacking in direction I suppose. Yeah, and motivation. I’m only motivated when it comes to fun things. And my only direction is to have fun too. I am not interested in doing anything at home. I don’t wanna clean, mow the grass, do laundry, landscape, paint, brush the animals, and all the other kinda domestic crap that’s lined up with home ownership. I don’t want to organize the bills or organize my makeup.
How in the hell am I supposed to get any direction if I can’t start with the basics? My life is a never ending cycle of: sleep through the alarm, rush around, skip the shower, battle traffic to work, act like I’m working, try to produce something to show for it, leave at five, battle traffic, get home, eat dinner, watch tv, snuggle with my hubby, take a shower cuz I stink, go to bed and do it all over again the next day. And you know what my weekends are like… Margarita Friday’s, sleep in on Saturday, oh hell I wasted my day anyway may as well just sit around until Saturday night and do it all again. My weekday life is so boring I take it all out on my weekends. I’m just as useless now as I was when I was dancing on the weekends so I can’t blame it on that. I’m tired all the time, but I sleep enough.
I want to remedy the problem but, you see, I run out of steam by the time I get home. I’m tired! I guess what I’m going to do is, drink some coffee and try to store up some energy to do something constructive when I get home.
Eck. No-one ever told me growing up was going to be like this. It was “what do you want to be when you grow up?” Honestly, what the hell kinda question is that?! When you look at yourself now are you defined by your career? I don’t identify myself by my day job, now my weekend job might be another thing. “I want to be an exotic dancer when I grow up mommy!” “I wanna dance naked in front of complete strangers for money! Yay!” (picture little girl jumping up and down in her pigtails.) In a way it’s better than “I wanna be an administrative assistant.” “what’s that, dear?” “oh, it’s a like a secretary but they do more work and don’t get any credit.” Ok so at least the exotic dancer thing sounds more exciting to me. Hey, no-one ever said I was at all mentally stable.
Well, I was going to go straight home and clean something…. My vibrator perhaps? Oh, no I mean like do the dishes, yeah that’s it. But, oh man, Christian needs me! Guess I’ll have to put off my motivation till tomorrow.
Oh, so how would you describe yourself….?
2:39 PM –
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October 05
Renegades of Funk
How timely, I was emailed the above pictures this afternoon… hmm, I wonder if the sender has access to my space? Oh well, if she chooses to read then she gets what she deserves.
Anyhow, I’m going to try to be productive when I get home.
Yesterday, I wanted to visit with Christian. She had a very bad day and I just wanted to be with her. I helped her clean at the Chocolate Shop where she works and then I took her out to dinner.
So today, I worked all day long. Yeah, I didn’t fake it. I didn’t like it at all but I still have some momentum to carry me over to home. Hopefully I won’t loose it during my long drive home.
I think that’s all I’ve got to say for now. Not much going on. Oh, I’m tired of my tires loosing air so I’m buying new ones. I did some research and I special ordered them. They’re performance rated winter tires. They should to really good this winter.
Ok now I’m done.
Have a fantabulous fucking day.
4:18 PM –
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October 07
My Immortal
I had a dream that it was my duty to place the magnet over my Dad’s pacemaker to shut it off. When I reached over him to place the magnet on his pacer and he pulled me closed and kissed and hugged me. He told me he loved me.
I called my Dad’s cell phone yesterday to see if it was still activated, I wanted to hear his voice on the voicemail. Fuck I miss him so much.
9:04 AM –
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October 13
Genie in a bottle
I’ve been so busy trying to keep my focus that I haven’t had time to write! I’m exhausted when I get home but I try to do at least one thing to maintain the house. That’s all I’ve got time for now. See ya later.
3:28 PM –
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October 14
My Humps
Morning turds
I’ve actually been motivated this week. Here at work I’ve completed projects that have been sitting for months. I guess when I actually decide to work instead of checking my personal email and surfing the web and reading my favorite blogs I can actually get stuff done. Who the hell knew?
Anyhow, my heart still hurts for missing my dad. I cry almost every day. It just hurts so much. God, it just seems like he could still be an email or a phone call away. I really miss those emails that he would send me that would just say “Hi.” That’s it nothing else, but they where so special.
There’s another thing bothering me. I think that my dealing with the death of my father has really strained my relationship with Marci. I think that there was so much emotion involved that our little balloon just burst. She put so much effort into being there for me and trying to make me feel better that maybe I just ran her out of gas or something. I don’t know, something is different. It’s like we both ran out of emotions for each other and are pausing for a breath. I’m sure we’ll be ok, but I’m not sure if things will be the same. I think she’s taking on her own life now. And that’s what people do. She’s got the strength to stand on her own two feet and take care of the family that she’s always wanted. And that is something that I cannot deny her and honestly, it makes me so happy to see her fly.
I’m looking forward to this weekend for the Hot Air Balloon and Wine Festival and NASA event. My schedule is packed as usual, but that’s the way I like it. I have to admit that most of my schedule consists of alcohol consumption ….ok so…. everything that I have planned consists of alcohol consumption. Yeah, maybe I’ll have to have a New Year’s resolution not to drink so much next year. If it only wasn’t so much fun….. except for the puking.
I have my Halloween costume! I’m going to be a race car driver! Hah! I found the costume at a party store, it’s a sexy replica of a driver’s fire suit. I haven’t worn that much spandex since 1992! But it’ll be warm and comfy and I can use it on photo shoots with race cars. Multi functional – that’s what I like.
Now I don’t want to Jinx this but I really have to point out that my husband has been super duper extra special attentive and loving for a few weeks now. Like when we first got together. He says that he just can’t stand that I ever felt like he didn’t care so he wants to show me. And it’s great, he’s actually helping around the house and making me feel beautiful and special. Everything I’ve always wanted but didn’t know how good it made me feel until I got it. I hope it doesn’t stop, but I’m sure that no-one can keep up this momentum for long. I’m scared I’m going to run him out of gas too.
M got a really good deal on a Toyota truck. One like we’ve both always wanted. So we took out a home equity loan and bought it. It’s now in the garage with the bed off and he’s sanding all the rust off the frame. He’s so happy working in his garage. I like the truck too, it’ll be very useful around the house and it’s not an eyesore.
Moving on, it’s only 7:41 in the morning and I’m here at work and I’ve already typed all this mess. I had to drop my car off last night to get my windshield replaced. Richie accidentally cracked it by knocking upon it. He wanted to show me that my alarm would sound because it has a concussion sensor in it. He is having it replaced. I think that’s awesome that he would do that.
I think I’ve filled you in on everything that is happening and so, I must get to work. Have a great day!
Oh yeah, I went to get Luci from the back yard this morning before I left, she was taking longer than usual for her morning potty break. I found her just starting to eat a rabbit. I don’t know if she caught it or if it was already dead but EEEEEWWWWW! M’s going to have to take care of that when he gets home for damn sure!
7:48 AM –
