May 2006 MSN Archives
May 01
The Perfect Drug
Haha! You guys are sooo funny! I’m not retiring from my real job… only my weekend job. Granted… one of my main goals in life is to retire but I have yet another 30 years to go…. God that sounds like a really long time.
Let’s recap… I started working as a stripper last May because it’s something I’ve always wanted to do. First, it brings in lots of extra cash. Second, it makes me feel like I’m doing something really bad. I took last summer off and went back at the end of the fall because I really needed something to keep my mind off of things. When I’m dancing, there are no distractions, just me and the music and the eyes staring at me. When I’m done dancing, I’m so exhausted that I can’t think. Which means that my mind doesn’t get carried away with nonsense. If you’ve ever worked so hard that you could fall asleep on your way home and your body hurts so much you can barely walk you know what I’m talking about.
It’s summer time again and the warm sunny days are calling to me. Also, there’s this little thing called home ownership that suddenly becomes a pain in the ass. There’s grass that needs mowing and weeds that need pulling and a whole lot of projects that pop up that don’t seem to matter in the winter. There is also race season of which I have a special place in my heart. I’m a spokes model for a national road racing organization and that takes at least one weekend out of the month.
The Realization
But the main reason why I want to retire from the “biz” is because I really would like to get back to a so called “normal” life. Geez, that last sentence really doesn’t sound like me at all. Maybe it’s not that I want to get back to normal. Maybe it’s because I have a feeling deep inside that it’s time to stop f’ing around before I do some irreparable damage to my marriage, real life, sanity, soul and even my knees. Yes, I think that’s the real reason why. Oh and since I took last Saturday night off…. I think I’m addicted. It’s an escape from real life and all the troubles from the week just go away. I’ve never done heroin or any kind of hard drug but I can imagine that the drug just takes things away for a while. But that doesn’t mean that your life is better for taking the drug, it’s still there waiting for you and add to that the people you’ve hurt along the way.
The Addiction
I’m addicted to the escape. I started dancing again to help escape the pain from my father’s death. It kept me so busy and exhausted which meant my brain wasn’t idle. I found that if I was alone for any period of time I would have flash backs and anxiety attacks. I went to my psychologist and she helped me through a lot. The rest is just healing with time. I’ve been thinking about quitting for a little while now. And I had put it in the back of my mind that Memorial Day weekend would be the end. But, taking this Saturday off made me realize it’s going to be difficult to quit cold turkey. (strange saying) My mind started wondering and criticizing everything and I became lethargic and anxious by Saturday night. And Sunday I had become irritable and reclusive hating myself for not being able to control my emotions.
I think that I’m going to require some help from Hubby and he’s obliged. He told me not to think about it as quitting for good, maybe just for the summer. Or maybe I could still work every now and again. (yes, I do find this strange to come out of a husband’s mouth under the circumstances but he IS supportive of whatever I want to do) I told him that I wanted to get back to “normal” and the trouble I was having. So he told me over lunch today that he was thinking of taking the summer off from working on cars and we could have the summer together. So maybe it wouldn’t be so hard on me. I told him that would most definitely be a great idea. That would be so helpful and he said “that’s what Hubby’s do best”.
Game Plan
So I will work through Memorial Day to pay off the trip to London. Then I’ll be ready with a plan. I’ll make lists of things that we need to do around the house on the weekends and work hard to finish them. That way I will be getting things done around the house, keep my brain occupied and hopefully tiring myself out too. And we will be able to do them together. Some how this plan looks really simple in text. Doesn’t seem like much, maybe I should beef it up a little to beat my addiction. I’ll do some thinking on how to really keep myself on a straight line.
Now it's in writing, so I have to stick to it... right?
Candy~
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May 04
Sweetest Thing
LONDON
I’m practicing my “queens engrish” Haloeeeoow!
I’m leaving next Tuesday and coming back on the Tuesday after that.
My brother Rick lives there for now. He’s based in London, a place where he’s always wanted to live. He’s all set to retire in June and he’ll be moving to Las Vegas for retirement.
When Rick came to visit last fall he suggested that Kristy (my niece) and I take a trip to see him before he moved. I wanted Hubby to come too. We had originally planned for April and it seemed so far away back in August. The date got pushed back to May and I was really lucky to find “cheap” tickets thanks to travelzoo.com. The website combs the net for the best deals and emails me every week.
We’re taking British Airways and the flight is going to take 7 ½ hours. There are screens in the back of the seats for our viewing pleasure and free alcohol and food (yippee!).
The day after I booked Hubby and my tickets (nonrefundable, non transferable) he decided that he really wasn’t up for the trip. I remember the final straw in our conversation was “I don’t even like fish and chips”.
Conversation over.
It was all I could do not to give him a shiny black eye to go back to work with. Seems like we have our best “arguments” in the WRX at lunch time. Anyhow, I explained to him through email because I was too angry to talk to him face to face.
That we had been talking about this trip for months.
I had asked him directly if he wanted to go and he had said yes.
I told him when I was about to book the tickets and he should request the time off work and he said that he would do it tomorrow.
These tickets are NONREFUNDABLE, NONTRANSFERABLE
….if you don’t want to go that’s fine but you owe me $500 + taxes, fees and belly rubs for this one buddy!
Hubby doesn’t like to spend money therefore; he’s more than happy to come with us.
Kristy and he are very apprehensive about the flight. They’re both paranoid of terrorists, mechanical failure and whatever else freaky that might happen. It bothers me a little bit. I know if something happens I’m not afraid to die. What I’m afraid of is surviving and being a vegetable and worse… surviving my husband and worse yet… being under the care of my step mother… shhhrreeeeeeeeek!
I want to see all the normal touristy stuff when we go, British Airways gave away free admission to some tourist traps with our tickets. I most definitely want to see Stonehenge.
Honestly, I’m not super excited to go to England. I want to see my brother and I know this is a great opportunity to go but, England is not on the top of my travel list. I suppose my lack of enthusiasm could be because I don’t know much about England. I’m going to pick up some tourist books today and see if that helps. Or maybe I’m not excited because the Prozac is working. I’ll let you know if the books help.
FOXY LADY
I went to see our little Foxy yesterday. She’s growing up! Her little body is getting longer and the fur on her ears is getting long and curly. She’s not turning red yet. I really hope she turns red, I haven’t seen any pictures of dachshunds the color that she is. She is a milky coffee color right now. Her human parents are the best people! They have agreed to keep her while we go to London. She turned eight weeks old this past weekend and all the other puppies went to their adoptive parent’s house. I would have loved to take her but I don’t want to make Jim, our friend who is taking care of the house and animals, to have to deal with a puppy. Taking care of a puppy at this age isn’t easy and Jim is all about easy. So, by the time we get back from London, little Foxy will be mostly house trained! Cool huh? I think that works out great because we originally where looking for an older puppy so we wouldn’t have to house train it. Foxy will even get her last shots while we’re gone so we won’t have to worry about that either. Things work out for a reason I suppose!
That’s all I’ve got for today. Enjoy your day!
Candy~
9:53 AM
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May 05
PIMPIN THAT RIDE!
In honor of the pimpin the ride week... here's my baby!
2002 Subaru Impreza WRX. She's all-wheel drive, turbo and 240 horsepower.
Ursula is her name and she is built for rally racing.
I've never driven a car that handles so well.
9:41 AM
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May 08
Why was that?
I am sitting here wondering to myself why I decided to quit dancing again? I had a fantastic weekend. Very lucrative. I feel good today (sore, achy, bruised & battered included) mentally. DAMN THIS ADDICTION!
Meanwhile... in reality
I'm trying to get all the last minute tweaks finished for the trip. Nothing could be done until the last 24 hours before so now its go time! Where's my socks???!!!
Loves
Candy~
12:44 PM
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May 17
I LOVE AMERICA!
Just wanted to drop in and give you a brief:
Well London was great if you don't count that they don't like Americans.... especially bald ones, lost luggage, Montezuma's revenge and a neurotic brother... England was beautiful and the weather was nice. I'm very glad to be back and I'm burning my passport.
More to come later.
Candy
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May 19
Time....tick, tick, ticking in my head. tick, tick, tick
Don't worry; I haven't forgotten to journal about London and everything else. I just can't find the time! I'm busy digging out of a weeks worth of work! I cannot wait to tell you everything!!!
8:48 AM
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May 22
Royal Flush
England
Day 1.
We hit the ground running when we landed on Wednesday morning. Immediately my brother packed us in his rental and whisked us away to Stonehenge. From there I used my guide book to find the nearest place of interest which happened to be Salisbury Cathedral. It was awesome to see so much history and architecture! We then headed back to his flat in London, freshened up and hit the town. We wanted to adjust our body clocks so we wouldn’t have jet lag so bad. By the time we got on the London Eye we were going on 30 hours with only 1 hour of sleep. We walked passed the London Bridge and the HMS Belfast. We hopped the tube home and passed out early in preparation for another full day of sight seeing.
Day 2.
According to my Brother, we got up late and therefore were late all day long. What we were late for I don’t know. Thursday, we visited the Tower of London – Her Majesty’s Palace and Fortress. It was a very beautiful place. We walked over the Tower Bridge which is actually the newest bridge to be constructed across the River Thames (pronounced Timms). The Tower Bridge is usually mistaken as the London Bridge because of its grandeur. The London Bridge is a simple bridge that looks like any other.
After touring the bridge we headed off into the streets and found a cozy little pub. I wanted Fish and Chips and a Pint. We popped in and ordered our fare at the bar English style and conversed with the bartender. She asked us where we were from and how long we were staying. Upon answering, a patron quickly piped up that we were staying too long. My niece, having been the only one hearing the comment didn’t find it malicious but replied “oh no, it’s not long enough!”. As I was telling the bartender how beautiful England was and how nice the people were. Once I connected the patron and Kristy’s exchanges I became aware of a slight bristle from the natives once we said we were American. We told my brother this, who wasn’t surprised. He told us to tell everyone we were Canadian. He continued to tell us over our lunch that “you Americans” think only of “yourselves” and that “you elect the wrong people” you, you, you, you! By now I’m pissed, this is wrong on so many levels! First, My brother is an AMERICAN who works for the AMERICAN GOVERNMENT. Second, I am NOT going to represent any other country but my own. We are good people and I’m not having Canada or any other country take that credit. Third, they call us warmongers… that’s probably true and I can imagine why they blame us for everything. But I, as an individual, did not start nor can I end the fighting. Now I know the sting of discrimination.
Wore out and tired; we decided to take the bus home. We had seen enough of the underground and wanted to view the city from above. Whilst sitting on the top deck of the Double Decker bus, we marveled at the beautiful gardens and homes and buildings around us. We are awed by the extravagant cars and beautiful people that were on the streets. We were disgusted at the site of the trash laying all over the sidewalks and streets and the Graffiti that covered the thousand years of masonry. Why would you trash such a beautiful place? We soon passed a large fenced off area, we couldn’t see past the trees and undergrowth but it looked like a zoo or a park of some sort. We asked my brother – our official tour guide. He told us that he didn’t know. Hubby saw beyond the fence and trees a plot of green grass and stated that it could be a golf course. One of the passengers piped up finally and told us that what we were passing was Buckingham Palace and there were no Golf Courses only tennis courses. My brother retorted “I don’t know these people”. Like he knew all along what we were trying to find out and was embarrassed that we didn’t know. Rick quickly asked “Do you know what Buckingham means?”. I thought that the word Buckingham could be translated into something else because that is the way he worded the sentence. I asked, no what does it mean? And he acted disgusted “that is where the fucking Queen lives!” he yells at us on the bus in front of all the natives. Having dealt with his yelling at us for 2 days straight, I was ready to go home. Or if not that, I was ready to get a hotel room.
Day 3
We were late again for whatever it was that we were late for the day before. Funny how a vacation never equals relaxation. He hopped the tube over to Westminster Abbey. We passed a bunch of protesters protesting the American War in Iraq. And my brother once again reminded us of what trash we are for being American. We soon learn not to ask questions anymore. We went there to learn but he only wants to punish us for asking. After we arrived at Westminster Abbey, Rick quickly disappeared and we were thankful for a quiet moment without barrage. We walked through quietly looking at all the sculptures and the people and the crypts. We’re looking for Darwin’s and Newton’s plots. I wanted to see them because I read the DaVinci Code. Westminster is a beautiful, large Cathedral and I loved every nook.
Kristy wanted to see a major production play so after we found Rick they headed off for tickets and left Hubby and me to hang out on our own. We wanted to return to the Belfast for a tour. It is a British warship and Hubby is into this stuff. So we set off to find our way along the Thames to our destination. I suggested we take the tube because the distance is too great. Hubby thought it wasn’t that far and we don’t like taking the subway anyway. I chose the route and we set off at a fast walking pace. We walked and walked but never came to our destination, because I chose the wrong direction right from the start. But it wasn’t that big of a deal. We just hopped the next tube and went home. And any time we spent lost was time away from my brother.
We crossed paths with Kristy and Rick on the route home and they joined us for the remainder of the trip. Rick got off early to pick up a rental car for the weekend and Kristy was happy to join us for the rest of the tube ride home. She was so tired of Rick yelling at her about questions she was asking she was practically in tears. Rick had taken her to get theatre tickets and walked her through Chinatown and Soho. She told us that we should definitely go there. Hubby and I later headed out to Soho and Kristy and Rick met up for the play.
Soho was an interesting part of London. It was filled with people and traffic and there were signs telling people to watch out for pick pockets. We walked the streets and looked at the shops and hookers lining the streets. We marveled at the outdoor urinals and the tiny little rooms that the prostitutes stood by looking for customers to come inside. Peep shows tempted us and strip clubs were bustling but we decided not to partake. We had a bad feeling and opted to grab a bite to eat and head back to the flat. We opted for McDonalds because the prices were so obnoxious that we couldn’t afford anything else. After arriving back at the flat we locked ourselves in our room and watched movies until late that night.
Day 4
Hubby woke me up at 4 a.m. vomiting in the bathroom. He was very sick. He could barely hold himself up and could barely walk from the bed to the bathroom the rest of the day. We were set to go to Dover that day as Rick had rented a car for the weekend. I told Kristy and Rick that they could go to Dover by themselves or put it off for one more day and head to Madame Tusouds – a famous wax museum that Kristy had wanted to go to. They opted for the wax museum and headed off on the tube. They did not take the car because if you drive your car downtown London you have to pay a fee. Hubby and I slept all day. My tummy was rumbly but no where near like his. I wanted to stay close to him just in case he needed me. Rick had gotten him a big bottle of Pepto and some pretzels and Gatorade. Hubby lived off of this diet for the rest of the stay.
Day 5
I woke up early and Hubby was only feeling slightly better. Well enough for me to leave him for a few hours. Kristy, Rick and I left for Dover and left my hubby armed with my brother’s cell phone number in case of emergency.
Kristy and I opted for the silent treatment as much as possible because it seemed that anytime we said anything we were yelled at for something he thought we said. Every time. It’s hard to explain. It’s like he heard only what he wanted to hear and retorted upon what he thought he heard. I suppose it’s his way of not listening. He was driving obnoxiously and if we mentioned this fact he would go off on us. Nevertheless, Dover Castle and the Cliffs were fantastic. The place is full of layers of history; from WWII to before medieval times. There is a medieval lighthouse right next to an 11 century church. The Dover Castle is the best kept castle in all of England. After touring the castle I decided that my childhood dreams of wanting to live in a castle were ruined. The place was smelly, cold and damp. Oh well, guess I’ll have to stay in my nice carpeted house with central air. We toured the secret wartime tunnels where they gave us a little history on the role the tunnels and the English Channel played and how they evacuated over 330 thousand troops from Dunkirk. I loved the White Chalk Cliffs and the Castle.
I then plotted our course back home through Canterbury. Yes! Of the Canterbury tales! We managed to get into the Cathedral as soon as the choir started singing and it was amazing! We began our tour and I soon came to realize that once you’ve seen one Cathedral in England you’ve seen them all. They are very, very similar. I felt like I was back in Salisbury. When I look at the post cards I have to look very closely to make sure I can tell the difference. Westminster Abbey is far bigger than the other two. My favorite had to be Canterbury because of the Gargoyles. This was the only Cathedral that we visited that had Gargoyles and they were awesome! I bought a replica in a shop in downtown Canterbury that reminds me of Morpheus. I love the irony in the history of the Gargoyle. They are placed outside of churches to scare off evil spirits.
Once we got back to the flat and I checked on Hubby we went out for a goodbye dinner. We went to a lovely Italian restaurant where my brother analyzed every move that we made. He went so far as to yell at Kristy because she was not twirling her spaghetti the way Italians do and acted like he was disgusted and embarrassed when she finally gave up and asked for a knife.
Kristy and I convinced Rick that we would meet him at home later and we went to a pub to grab a drink. We needed one. And that was all we had… one drink. We came back to the flat and packed our stuff in preparation for our flight out in the morning. Our long anticipated flight home. I have never looked forward to a flight so badly in my life.
Day 6
Thank God the day had finally arrived. I could barely sleep I was so excited to get the hell out of there. I popped out of bed and grabbed our luggage and had them out to the car before Rick was out of bed. Hubby was so weak he could barely move, but I convinced him to stop drinking anything so he could make it a few hours without having to use the restroom. We arrived at the airport with only minor irritation. Said a quick good riddance and we were on our way home!!!
The icing on our shit cake that we had been making all week was a crying baby one row in front of us. It cried for 6 out of the 7 hour flight. The candles on our cake was the carry-on luggage that they took from Hubby while boarding the plane because it was too big was lost. There were lots of passengers who were carrying larger bags than him onto the plane with no problem. I failed to mention that there were no men with shaved heads in England. And when I was out without him, we were treated nicer. I think that the bald head signifies the neo nazi. But here in the states it’s not fascism it’s fashion.
Our lost luggage was found and delivered to us the next day.
A few words…
The weather was good, sunny and in the 80s for three days and the rest was cloudy and about 70
I cannot generalize and say that all of England hates Americans or that they don’t care about their beautiful country that they have. It wouldn’t be right to do the same thing that was done to me. It was interesting to see the reaction when we were asked where we were from. Either it was the stone faced wide eyed “oh” and a step backwards or a hardy welcome. There were two hardy welcomes out of 100.
I am extremely upset at my brother for inviting us to his home and then treating us the way he did. I would not treat my enemies with such hatred. I would have gotten a hotel for the rest of the time if Kristy had not begged me to stay. It was impossible to hold one civil conversation with him. And now today I know one more detail of which I will write about in a future entry that has sealed his name in my book.
Hubby is fine now. He lost 25 pounds but miraculously started feeling better on the plane and was well enough to carry the luggage to the car from the airport.
Kristy was a delight to be around and I learned that I wouldn’t mind hanging out with her more often. She’s a lot of fun.
I’m done typing for today. And I’m sure you’re tired of reading.
I’ll post pictures soon and tell you all about Foxy.
Have a great day!
Candy
1:28 PM
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May 24
So that's how it is?
I suppose I've put this off long enough. I mentioned that my brother did something in my past entry that has laid down the deciding factor for his fate. It kills me to burn yet another bridge, but I don't know how to look at him ever again.
My ex-brother in law Kerry came to see us this past Sunday. He told me what he's wanted to tell me for a long time. He could barely speak the words but he wanted to make sure I knew. He told me that when Rick flew over here from London after my father died he and my Sister Diana took his camera to my father’s grave site. and took pictures of each other rejoicing on top of his grave. They then printed these pictures and hung them on her refrigerator to advertise to everyone what they did.
They may as well have spit in my face. If I had known they where going to do that, I would not have aloud Diana to attend the funeral nor would I have cried on Rick's shoulder for the loss of my Dad. Or visited him in London.
I am so disappointed on so many levels.
9:37 AM
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May 26
Pole Position
Have you noticed that construction workers just aren’t as cute as they used to be?
When asked what I’m doing this weekend I give them the same story I always do….. sleeping. I can’t say, “well I’ll be taking my clothes off for money” now can I?
Hopefully this will be my last weekend for dancing. I say hopefully because I need to make enough money to pay off the trip to London. I also have to tell Casey, the manager that I can’t work any more. I think I’ll tell him that work is picking up and I have to work late everyday and have to come in on Saturday. Which isn’t an entire lie.
Foxy is the cutest thing on four legs! The Little precious slept through the whole first night… in between our pillows. She HATES the crate. Poor little girl acts like she’s having her legs chopped off when she’s locked in the crate. We decided that since she doesn’t like the crate that we would leave her out. But that doesn’t help with her house breaking. She started getting out of the habit of using the puppy training pads so we decided to confine her to the laundry room while we’re gone. That way she doesn’t get accustomed to eliminating all over the house (just in the laundry room). Yesterday was the first day we’ve done that and she seems to be kinda ok with it. She was at least quiet when Hubby tried to sneak a peak to see how she was doing when he got home from work. She also used her pad to pee on but not to poop on.
I started leash training her too. That’s hilarious! And I started carrying around little pieces of food for her when she’s good and that really gets her attention.
We rigged up a concrete form tube (it’s 10” in diameter and made from cardboard) that she uses it to get on and off the bed. She totally loves that! Hubby takes everyone into the bedroom to show how she runs up the tube and does her face plant then Hubby gets off the bed and she slides down the tube and follows him out the door.
She’s chasing the cats… who are very perturbed about that. They are accustomed to being the bully. When Luci first came to us they would trap her in the bedroom by just sitting outside the door staring at her. The cats smack her, she yips and then turns around and nips them.
She also has very good aim when she wants to bite your nose from across the bed. Just ask Hubby, who was the recipient of Foxy’s Flying Face Plant. Great execution and perfect aim.
She also loves cat toys, which happen to be perfect Foxy size.
Luci and Foxy get along just fine. They both where nervous about each others size so Luci was careful not to step on Foxy and Foxy was careful not to get under her feet. Now Luci and Foxy play all the time.
Have a great weekend!
3:37 PM
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